November 15th, 2024
Friday
8pm
Motorcycle visited today. The only questions he asked me about myself were, “Are you okay?” and “How much do you weigh?”
The rest of the time he spent talking about his 50th class reunion that he attended last weekend. He’s lost a good 50lbs.
He looks good.
No getting around the fact that he’ll be 68 in a month, though. I never realized before the freedom with which he uses the words “faggot” and “pussy” to describe other people.
How did I never notice that?
When he told someone at the reunion that his “girl” was in prison, she said, “Do you really think that you need that at your age?”
He replied, “I need her.”
Good answer, but is that true?
I know I don’t feel that way about any man. I’d be closer to saying that about Paul than Motorcycle.
Motorcycle even made a joke the other day on the phone and said, “I’m the man who finally conquered Jess Kenley.”
Paul would never say something like that.
Like I am an non-thing, a prize to be won.
And he would never want to..
He loves me the way that I am, non-monogamy and all.
And he prefers non-monogamy too.
So what am I doing?
Did I just agree to monogamy because I’m in prison?
Daisy would probably say yes.
But how well does she know me?
I would say…I would say that I like the idea of monogamy, but not the practice of it.
Not for me, anyway.
I don’t care what other people do, but I gave it a quarter-century of my life, and it doesn’t work for me.
No.
November 16th, 2024
Saturday
10:52am
Kimberly tried to pass Daisy some cheese from the kitchen today in front of a Sergeant and got caught. Daisy had to pull it out of her pants and throw it out. There was some speculation around the Block about whether Kimberly would lose her date, which is in six days, but they didn’t send her back from the kitchen, so I doubt it. Daisy didn’t get a misconduct, so I hope Kimberly doesn’t either.
Things with Swiper have been more friendly and less tense, but I’m still locking up my coffee and cigarettes in Daisy’s locker. I don’t trust Swiper as far as I could throw her. THings have been better with Bambi, too, which is nice.
Benson Boone is singing on the radio, “Please, stay. I want you, I need you, Oh God…” while Daisy, Morocco, and Swiper discuss what library books they got this morning. I couldn’t go to the Library yesterday because of my visit, so Daisy got me, “Children of the State: Stories of Survival and Hope in the Juvenile Justice System,” by Jeff Hobbs, © 2023
That was nice of her.
I also found “Organizing for Social Change: Midwest Academy Manual for Activists” Third Edition, © 2001 on the bookshelf downstairs.
I talked to Gem this morning. We have some new CO who doesn’t know our names, so I was able to get on the phone. Gem tested negative for leukemia, but has to see a GI specialist about some open duct in her pancreas that makes her at higher risk for pancreatic cancer.
“Control to all areas: Conduct Count, Conduct Count!”
Stand to be counted, sit.
Chicken tetrazzini for lunch.
Gross.
I’m pushing Ms. Moon to lunch. Momo in the next cube is smashing up Ramen noodles because lunch is not worth the walk. Soggy spaghetti noodles with canned chicken chunks and peas in a white sauce of unknown origin.
On the Daily Download with Carson Daly: “If the world is ending, I’d wanna be next to yoooooouuuuuuu…”
Dismal.
12:38pm
Uh oh.
Two of Cinnamon’s e-cigarettes were stolen from her locker while she was on a visit. She thinks Morocco did it.
4:03pm
Nothing makes me feel more useless than knowing that one of my children is in pain and being helpless to stop it because I am sitting in fucking prison a million miles away.
King answered the phone with a forlorn, tiny, “Hello?” I immediately asked what was wrong. He sounded close to tears. All he said was, “Superman…”
It hurt my heart.
Then, after the pain–rage.
Rage that this horrible system that separates mothers from their children arbitrarily and with impunity, and rage at myself for being helpless to extricate myself from its clutches.
It reminds me of a Gary Paulsen story from his Iditarod dog sledding days when he came upon a pack of wolves who had disemboweled a doe deer and proceeded to eat her while she was still standing, alive. Feebly, he said, “Leave her…” but it was too late.
She was moribund, bound for death.
The alpha male pulled his bloody head from her abdominal cavity and regarded Paulsen fearlessly for a moment before continuing to tear her apart.
I am that doe.
6:40pm
Lockdown.
The rumor is that J Unit is on fire and there was a fight on S, so there’s no available staff.
It’s a full harvest moon tonight.
No kidding.
7:46pm
Lockdown lifted.
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