May 26, 2018
Day 327
Saturday
8am
Pancakes for breakfast this morning. I wonder what today will be like. I guess we’re going to an AA/NA picnic for Memorial Day. Sandra is already bitching that we get to go and she doesn’t. She says the ones who have to stay back, they should get to go to the store for soda.
Yeah, right.
11am
On our way to the picnic with Tori, Jo, Jolene, Sugar Momma, and June. I guess Mr. Big is going to be there.
Hm.
I painted my nails and am wearing a dress.
I wonder how it will be.
May 27th, 2018
Day 328
Sunday
9:30am
The picnic yesterday was good. Nikolai and Temperance were there, which was nice, except she upset Tori by telling her that it’s been going around that she’s been getting high.
Tori cried all the way home.
Big was at the picnic looking as hot as ever–a woman there even walked up to him and asked him for his number, but he didn’t give it to her.
I was surprised.
He got hit with a water balloon at one point, and almost took his shirt off, but then he didn’t.
Boy, would I have loved to see that show. Of course it would be torture at the same time. More fodder for my dreams, I guess, which he’s been showing up in lately.
Anyway, it’s time to do the fucking kitchen inventory now, which I don’t want to do. I rained all last night and my whole body hurts.
12:30pm
I planted in the garden, instead of doing meal planning. I don’t feel like cooking this week–let the new people do it.
Now I am reading my Bible:
John 8:12: “Again Jesus spoke to them, saying, ‘I am the light of the world. Whoever follows me will not walk in darkness but will have the light of life.”
John 8:31: “So Jesus said to the Jews who had believed him, ‘If you abide by my word, you are truly my disciples, and you will know the truth, and the truth will set you free.’”
May 28th, 2018
Day 329
Monday
11am
Today is Memorial Day, so Big isn’t working. Tori, Grammy, Jo, and I are making picnic food. The rest of the women are at a parade down the road except for Sugar Momma, who is in bed with the barfs.
It seems like she’s sick every day.
We were going to do the roadside rest for our picnic, but we can’t because of her being in bed.
My mother brought the boys yesterday, and we read books for an hour, which was very nice. She didn’t say anything about the letter I wrote her, although she did ask how I was, which is a big step for her. I told her I was sick from being in the sun all day Saturday, and she told me I should invest in a sunhat, which is a good idea.
Now I am praying for the strength and willingness to forgive the others in my life that have wronged me. I have to forgive myself at some point, too, but I don’t know if I’m ready for that. My sponsor came last night to see me too, but we didn’t talk much about the steps. We were just basically catching up, because I didn’t see her last week.
My hands hurt (more rain last night), so I’m going to read my “And Still She Laughs: Defiant Joy in the Depths of Suffering” book:
“I could argue that I should, in fact, stay afraid as a form of protection, because life is brutal and good things don’t last. Or I could say that God was with me, that He received Daisy (her daughter) into his arms, that He carries us through the valley of the shadow of death and will continue to be present in our time of need.”
–Kate Merrick
“Fear causes us to miss out on the beauty and joy that exists in every life.”
2:30pm
We went outside for a while, which was nice. Now we’re doing “Music Therapy,” which is just us listening to music for an hour. Ke$ha’s “Praying” is on right now.
Outside, the garden I planted is doing well. Grammy’s not having a good day. She looks like she’s going to kill someone. Tori has court in nine days to see if she can get out of here a month early. I’ll miss her a lot if she goes, but I’ve been lucky that she’s been in here this long with me. She just wrote me a not saying that it pisses her off when she’s in the bathroom peeing, and somebody shouts, “Who’s in there?” Like she’s going to stop peeing and then go back in and finish peeing in boiled egg and tuna smell.
Gross!
She’s so funny.
Sandra has a fan blowing only on her, and the rest of us are sitting here sweating.
Selfish.
And how do women like Elaine and Brenda have boyfriends and I don’t?!
I need to stop.
I’m being mean and wallowing in self-pity.
Again.
Ugh.
It’s almost time for being in our rooms, which I enjoy because then I can take a nap. “Fight Song” is on–Tori’s favorite.
Back to my book:
John 14:27 “I am leaving you with a gift–peace of mind and heart. And the peace I give is a gift the world cannot give. So don’t be troubled or afraid.”
–Jesus
I bet Sandra regretted that fan–Grammy just farted and it went right in her face.
“We decide if we are willing to laugh without fear.”
Isaiah 63:9: “In all their suffering, He [Jesus] also suffered.”
Heb. 2:18: “Since he himself has gone through suffering and testing, he is able to help us when we are being tested.”
Well, I finished my book. Granny has some wicked gas and is stinking it up in here. Halfway through the book, the author has a miscarriage, but even in her grief, she is grateful for what she has. It reminds me that only three of my nine pregnancies survived past infancy, and four were never born at all. But I, too, can be grateful for the children that I do have, and not bitter (any more) for those that I lost.
6pm
Group.
We’ve watched these “Life Skills videos about a thousand times now.
Ugh.
Tori is over in the corner snickering about the look on my face. Jo and Diamond are discussing laxatives, Brenda’s buttcrack is hanging out, and Jolene and Sandra are journaling. I guess Sugar Momma’s Grandmother died, which is terrible. I hate it when people lose their loved ones while they’re in here–it makes it that much harder.
The woman in this video has crazy high hair–like beehive hair. She looks like Loretta Lynn.
There are a lot of flies in here–it is super annoying. It’s also well above 80 degrees, which makes everyone miserable, especially Grammy.
I can’t watch this anymore.
I’m going to read my Bible.
10:30pm
Full moon tonight, and boy, can you tell around here. Jolene is hysterical because her ex keeps showing up when we’re out and scaring the shit out of her. He beat her so badly one time in public that she had to have her face reconstructed. The PFA on him expired, so she needs a new one, and Big doesn’t seem to be taking it seriously. This is a mental health disaster waiting to happen.
I’m worried about her.
She thinks she’s never mattered her whole life, and it’s more of the same here.
May 29th, 2018
Tuesday
Day 330
6am
I’m not sure why, but I got up at 5:30am today. Actually I am sure–I had a dream that it was 7:30am, and Big was here already, and I was late getting up.
Ugh.
I’m watching a show on TV called “Mom” that’s really funny. Of course I’m not supposed to be watching TV because I’m on Restriction, on Friday.
I have Crossroads today, which should be nice.
I didn’t get to go last week because my insurance lapsed.
It’s funny, on this show, the mom says, “It checks out,” just like Jolene does all of the time. I wonder how she’ll do today with talking to Mr. Big, who thinks that she is “overreacting.”
Wow, the women on this show are recovering alcoholics! That’ s kind of cool. Oh, they changed the channel.
Boo.
We’ll probably end up watching the Weather Channel or Hallmark now.
Ugh. Sandra is up.
Yup–I called it–The Weather Channel.
Yuck.
Why are people so obsessed with the weather?
7:30am
Omg, I just walked past Jo’s room and she had a spoon sitting on her nightstand!!
WTF is she thinking?!
Geezoman. If she gets caught with that, it’s considered contraband. I hope she’s not using it to cook drugs–that would be the stupidest thing she could do.
Wow.
Dummy.
We haven’t had room searches in weeks, if not months, so they must be coming up soon.
Anyway, I hope today is a good day. I actually love Crossroads, individual and group therapy, and I hope that I am still able to go after I’m out of here. Some people even bring their kids with them. Of course, if I live with Tori, I’ll finally have a babysitter. Shit, that reminds me–I need to call the landlord about this house we might get!
Oh.
Business phone calls aren’t until 10am, and I’ll be in Wellsboro at 10am.
Poop.
The staff is asking Mr. Big–aaaaaaaaaaaaaaand he said no.
Predictable.
He hasn’t been out of his office yet this morning, probably because it seems like everyone needs to talk to him urgently. The rest of the women will be leaving for grocery shopping pretty soon. I gave Tori my book, “And Still She Laughs” by Kate Merrick to read–I hope she gets something out of it.
Bible:
John 12:44– “And Jesus cried out and said, ‘Whoever believes in me, believes not in me but in Him who sent me. And whoever sees me sees him who sent me. I have come into the world of light, so that whoever believes in me may not remain in darkness. If anyone hears my words and does not keep them, I do not judge him; for I did not come to judge the world but to save the world.”
John 13:31: “‘A new commandment I give to you, that you love one another just as I have loved you, you also are to love one another.”
–Jesus
John 14:6: “Jesus said to him, ‘I am the way, and the truth, and the life. No one comes to the Father except through me.’”
John 14:27 “‘Let not your hearts be troubled, neither let them be afraid.’”
–Jesus
John 15:5 “‘I am the vine, you are the branches.’”
John 15:9: “‘As the Father has loved me, so have I loved you.’”
–Jesus
8:30am
Oh my–people are giving Jo advice on how to poop again. She’s always constipated. Tori says that she can feel some fuckery about to happen. They had four staff this morning, including Mr. Big, and then Gert left for some reason, and no one has gone grocery shopping yet for some reason, and all the staff have been in the office all morning for some reason. It’s making me nervous.
Great.
Now Jessie came out and told us that no one can smoke all day. This might be because Sandra went out to smoke yesterday without permission.
FUCK.
How do they think that this is “rehabilitative???”
John 16:22: “‘So also you have sorrow now, but I will see you again, and your hearts will rejoice, and no one will take your joy from you.’”
–Jesus
John 16:27: “‘For the Father himself loves you, because you have loved me and have believed that I came from God.’”
–Jesus
9am
Woooooooooooooow. We’re not allowed to smoke for the whole day, and staff won’t even tell us why. I’m going to guess that this isn’t going to be just a one-day thing, either.
Great.
This should be a blast.
They sent Stacey with us to make sure we don’t smoke.
Cool.
12pm
Group is over. Now waiting for Tori for an hour while she’s in Individual [Group]. Group was good. I talked about my letter to my mother, forgiveness, and letting go of resentments, which is still difficult for me.
1pm
On our way home. I told Stacey about Jo and Jolene…I couldn’t seem to help it. I don’t know if it was the right thing to do or not, but I prayed about it beforehand, and then felt compelled to tell her, so we’ll see what fuckery this brings.
I hope it’s not bad.
I didn’t really know what else to do–I mean–the girl is leaving fucking spoons in plain view!!
Ugh.
Anyway, it’s just beautiful outside today. The wildflowers are blooming, the sky is pastel blue with big, puffy white clouds, and the temperature is in the 80s.
Beautiful.
Tori wants to pick the Sweet Williams’ and Rhododendrons and put them in her room, but we’re not allowed to bring flowers in the building because Sugar Momma is allergic. She seems to have a multitude of health problems.
2pm
Now we have parenting class–
The Four Main Parenting Styles–
Authoritarian, Authoritative, Permissive, Uninvolved.
The parenting lady had her phone in her back pocket, and the flashlight was on, and Mr. Big saw it and pointed that her butt was glowing, and she asked why he was looking at it.
Funny.
Score the following using this scale:
1 = Always
2 = Most of the time
3 = Sometimes
4 = Rarely
5 = Never
- It is fun and fulfilling to be a member of our family.
- Everyone in our family participates in family tasks.
- Family togetherness and unity hold high priority in our family.
- We promote family love and unity by following certain values and family traditions, such as respecting prayer for the meal.
- We plan a family day or do something together at least once a week.
7pm
Now we have an in-house group with Tori’s sponsor, Gena. I didn’t know it, but at 3:30pm, I had a doctor’s appointment to recheck my Hep-C. My liver values are still high, but stable. I’ll find out about my actual viral load in a few days.
We’re on Step 9 now, which is making amends to others. Gena always tells this story about how her fiance (now husband) screwed a different woman, and how after that, Gena was always flipping her off and acting like a fool toward her–and eventually Gena apologized to her for her bad behavior toward her.
I can’t imagine.
Of course she adds in that if she knew then what she knows now, she wouldn’t have married him.
Geez.
Jolene is talking, yet again, about how her ex is terrorizing her and how she feels worthless. She is hijacking every single group lately with this. I guess on Sunday night, he was driving down the road, and he sped up while some of the women from the Center were crossing the road, and Jolene swears he was trying to hit them. I’m not sure why she would go back to the Galeton meeting at all after the last meltdown.
I don’t mean to be insensitive, I mean, I feel for the girl; but it’s obvious that the solution is a PFA and some serious mental health counseling.
“Pain is the touchstone of all spiritual progress.”
–Unknown (12 Steps and 12 Traditions, AA)
9pm
Geezoman.
Now Jo, Jolene, and Tori are getting their rooms searched. Apparently they found something in Jo’s room, because she just came out and flipped out about it, saying, “This is fucking bullshit!! Somebody’s been running their fucking mouths!”
I meeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeaaaaaaaaaan….she had a damn spoon on her nightstand for God’s sake!!
What did she expect?!
Whatever.
The fuckery continues.
Oh, she just came out and said that she had a lighter and a cigarette in her room.
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