Category: Life

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Letters from Paul

Muncy State Prison

May 23/24

I received your letter today. Thank you for your response. I enjoy reading your writing, so please send more. I especially love your new name, “Barney Holland.” I think that should be your pseudonym when you branch out into writing smut or scifi novels. I hope you are able to get [a lawyer] other than the Public Defender, he weirds me out. I didn’t realize there were so many elderly persons there, but I’m glad you are there to help them to get around and live their lives for what it’s worth. You definitely will be the person who is able to bring joy to those that are on the brink of suicide.

I am doing better. I’ve been working steadily in my spare time to finish the remodeling of the tenant bathroom. It’s getting new floor tiles and moulding so it doesn’t look like a piece of shit like when you were there. I used the plane that you and Motorcycle found for me to install a plank in the kitchen where mice may have been coming in, it worked wonderfully. 

The bank is still going great. I got everyone a card and a fancy chocolate bar to tell them that I appreciate them being there; they were thankful.

I’m making a big pot of stew as I type this, it’s 15 minutes from being done and I am hungry. I thought about 

Your fruit salads as I was cutting and eating the veggies. I’ve been making apples a regular staple for a snack, and drinking water, but I could do better. Taz (the neighbor’s cat) came by to talk about his day as I was going back and forth between both sides of the house. He had a lot to say. 

I would love to hear your voice in a phone call, but please bear with me just a little longer. I enjoy reading your letters, but I will talk to you soon on the phone. I’m really going full ham on trying to take care of myself, and trying to take care of personal projects. I saw an unfinished portrait of you I was drawing in my sketchbook, I hope to finish it soon. I’m doing a portrait for a friend’s husband who passed away unexpectedly years ago. It’s a challenge, I don’t hardly do any male portraits, and this portrait is more of a memorial gift for a sweet lady.

I miss you and am waiting to see you again. To hold on to you and help you and love you and support you. I miss our cuddles in my bed where it feels wonderful to embrace someone that has had a profound impact on my life and to embrace someone who is perfect.

With heartfelt love, 

Paul 🙂

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Interview with Empire

5/21/24

Muncy State Prison

Interview

“Empire”

Age: 27 years

Female

No children

White/Mexican/Apache

Trauma?

Good childhood. “Trauma started when I got into the street life at 17.”

History of sexual assault, shot in left leg

Mental Illness?

Bipolar, depression, PTSD, anger issues

No meds

Addiction?

Shot up meth for 5 ½ years. Sober now for 4 ½ years

What happened?

Drug charges, gun charges, PWID

Has been incarcerated for 3 years.

“I haven’t spent a birthday out of jail since I was 20.”

Currently on a 3-6 yrs, just finished a 3 year bid.

Is prison rehabilitative?

I’d be dead if I wasn’t here.”

Paid lawyer – spent $15,000

Plea deal

How were you treated?

“Like shit. [The police] put  my head through a wall. They kept calling me a nigger-lover. They threw flash-bangs on our bed.” They broke a window above us. I was bleeding. [SWAT–McKean County]

Plans in the future?

“My biggest concern is being able to adapt to normal living. I want to be the best version of me for the people I love. The glamorous lifestyle isn’t everything.”

–Got CRS (Certified Recovery Specialist) certification here

–Went to Business classes in prison voluntarily

–Graduated High School

“I really want to utilize my CRS. I want to customize clothing–my shop will be named Loyalty Over Love. My friend already has the presses/stitchers and an LLC.”

What do you do for fun?

“I don’t even know anymore. What I used to consider fun isn’t healthy. My biggest goal is to make my parents proud and be a mother. I want to be a positive influence.”

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The Apocalypse, Empires, and Shitty CO’s

May 22nd, 2024

10:27am

The new cellie paces endlessly like a caged tiger. She thinks that they moved her because she is the only White person who hangs out with all of the Black people over on E. She said that the fight that caused the lockdown wasn’t racially motivated, but the administration here is going to act like it was. I wonder if they’re worried at all about being on the 10 o’clock news.

Tabby messaged me this morning and said that things haven’t resolved with her sister so she hasn’t sent my letter yet. I wish she wouldn’t feel bad about some dumb letter when her sister is deathly ill. 

No word from my mother about the lawyer.

Empire is staring out the window forlornly. She is actually Mexican/White/Apache. The CO is threatening people with Hole time for cell visiting. God forbid people practice normal human behavior. 

11:19am

I’m almost through the book “Spare” by Prince Harry. I got to the part about him and Megan and I felt surprisingly…jealous? Mad? Not good anyway. I had to put it down for a while. I can’t remember the last time I felt no-holds-barred-sweep-you-off-you’re-feet kind of love. 

Dubya, I guess, if I’m honest. But even then, I didn’t know if it was real or manufactured because I was into the grief so deeply that anything even remotely happy seemed miraculous at the time. It felt real to me. Then again, I didn’t even bother to change my name when we got married because I didn’t think it would work out. 

I don’t know.

It still surprises me that every time I hear a country song I think of him and wonder how he is. 

I was reckless with his love, I guess, because I didn’t think that I deserved something so pure and honest.

1:24pm

News headline: “Apocolyptic-style storm damage in Iowa” and “Tornadoes obliterate Iowa communities.”

I heard we’re getting Officer Useless back as Unit Manager again. He was the Unit Manager on J when those two women hung themselves. The new cellie, Empire, is apparently leaving soon. 

In the other book I’m reading, “Interrupted Life,” it says that family bonds are the strongest predictor of how successful a person will be upon reentry into society.”

4:20pm

Uh oh. Daisy got called into the counselor’s office, and she’s been in there for like half an hour. 

Shit.

Earlier, when I was pushing Ms. Grumpy Crabass in her wheelchair, and she stopped a Lieutenant to talk to him about her trip to the doctor last month where they chained her too tight. She said the lock was in her back, and she had to sit that way for 2 ½ hours. The Lieutenant said that he would chalk that up to immaturity and inexperience, and then asked Ms. Crabass what she had done to deserve it. She said that in 18 years here, she’s never been a problem and she also never been treated so badly. The woman’s got to be pushing 80 years old.

Who treats people like that?

Anyway, Daisy got some paperwork that doesn’t change anything about her case. She’ll still be sitting here for 18 months.

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Wait–Vitamin Water in Prison??

Muncy State Prison

May 21st, 2024 

Tuesday

10am

Still lockdown. Four people went to the Hole last night, one from our Unit. She allegedly ran into another Unit to beat on some girl. I don’t know what it was about. No movement, no showers, no hot water, no phone calls, no kiosks, etc. Two at a time in the bathroom. Officer Colostomy Bag for a CO.

Dismal. 

3:26pm

It’s rumored that this lockdown is going to last for 72 hours. And that we’re getting a new cellie.

3:58pm

New cellie is here. Her name is Empire and she has tons and tons of stuff.

Tons.

She has stuff I’ve never even seen in prison. Vitamin water and art supplies and shit.

Wow.

And a TV.

She came from E Unit.

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Ethan’s 13th Birthday

Women’s Center

September 10, 2017

Sunday

Day 68

Ethan’s birthday. We would have been a teenager today, and I wouldn’t be here. I would be back in Pittsburgh, probably still working at the Vet Tech Institute, a job that I loved.

My hip is killing me today. It seems anything under 20mg of Prednisone doesn’t control my symptoms, and they put me on a tapering dose. I took some Tylenol along with my Meloxicam and Prednisone, but it’s not helping. Watching Shameless, one of my favorite shows. At least there’s that.

I’m not really sad today. I just feel numb. I told Ethan Happy Birthday in Heaven and told him and Kaylee I loved them. Maybe I’ll take a nap until visit time. I don’t even feel like eating today. My hip is killing me. Maybe it’ll feel better to lay down. Of course then I’ll be missing my favorite show. I think I gained 10lbs this week. Depression doesn’t suit my diet plan very well. I just eat everything in sight, even if I’m not hungry. Yeah, off to bed, I think.

1pm

Couldn’t sleep. People have been nice to me today–Tori and Chantilly both gave me spontaneous hugs–but I’ve spent a lot of time alone today. People are walking on eggshells around me like when after the kids first died. Kind of makes me regret talking about it in the first place. 

Shockingly, Slammy the Racist even said to me that she, “Knew How I Felt,” when she was giving me my medication this morning. People generally don’t say that unless they have actually lost a child too, which I didn’t know about her. That’s two people that work here that have lost children and me.
What a small, horrible world. I’ve only ever met one other person who told me that two of their children had died (in AA) and one of his was MURDERED. God Almighty.

5pm

Well, I have a visit with the kids. It was really nice. They each gave me a card they had decorated. Sometimes I think my mother has a soul after all. Not often though. Noooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooot often.

Theeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeen I went to the baby shower I promised myself I wasn’t going to. They had already been there for a while, so I had hoped that the gifts would be over. No such luck. I was okay for a while, but all that baby stuff–one outfit after another for tiny fingers and toes…the mother, Megan, smiling and laughter, all the little toys and blankets–it was a bit much to bear. I got a little teary thinking of my first baby shower with Ethan, all of the happiness and hopes and dreams flying around…I was so happy. 

Then a group picture of all of us, which I gritted my teeth through. It was excruciating. I want my old life back, with my old happiness and my old will to live.

Then of course I came back to the Center and there’s a tiny little blonde girl running around and her mother shrieks after her, “Kaylee!!!” Then there’s the teary goodbye’s, and the I Love You’s…I am just profoundly sad today. Then I go to get my meds and Gert asks me how my day has been. THEN I started crying. Gert lost a son to suicide. I told her about my day and Ethan’s 13th birthday and she told me she has days like that too. She hates Halloween because her son loved it. Favorite holiday. 

Last week, when Mr. Big asked about my glum attitude, I told him that today was my son’s birthday, and I couldn’t seem to get over it. He started to say something stupid about, “Do you think your son’s sitting somewhere wishing you were miserable?” and I cut him off with, “ I doubt it, he’s dead.” So then he shoots back , “So you don’t believe in anything in the hereafter?” I just walked away. 

This is what people don’t understand–it DOESN’T GO AWAY!! The grief–it doesn’t just stop because a certain amount of time has passed! LEAVE US BE!!!

I guess that’s all I have to say about that. You can’t force happy. I guess Jenny (the artist who also does church) stopped by the baby shower and dropped off a One Minute Bible. I guess I’ll read it. 

*sigh*

It seems God is stalking me again.

Section 1:

Time to make a change.

“God is always willing to join you on the starting line, but never content with letting you remain the way you are. Or the way you’ve been.”

“You may have felt like you were the one doing all the chasing, but God’s been after you for a long time.”

YUP. That’s what I was afraid of. Let’s see what else this gem has to offer.

“God will no longer be a cause of dread to me. I very soon find, however, that I am going to be a great cause of trouble to myself.”

–Watchman Nee

“Don’t be surprised when civil war breaks out in your heart, when you’re torn between the God you love and the temptations that still know how to play your song.”

Anyway, I think I’m going to bed. I made it through the day. 

Yay me.              

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Loneliness, Letters to Tiger, and Lockdowns

Muncy State Prison

May 18th, 2024

10:50am

I had a wonderful dream about me and Tiger. We were outside and talking and laughing in the grass and I hugged and kissed her and it was just wonderful. I think we were having a picnic, like I used to do with the boys every time we would have visitation and it was nice out. Of course Tiger was never there because she goes to a school 45 minutes away and the visits were at 3pm. She didn’t want to go anyway, most of the time. I don’t know what I would say if I wrote her a letter anyway. I’m bipolar, please forgive me?

*sigh*

I don’t know. 

Tiger, 

I don’t really know what to say to you. I had a really good dream about me and you last night where we were outside in the grass talking and laughing. Like normal moms and daughters do.

I never wanted it to be like this. I don’t know if you know this, but I am bipolar. It runs in my mother’s side of the family. This means that I have psychotic episodes sometimes where I have no control over my behavior, and I make bad decisions. This is why I’m in prison now, and what caused me to leave your Dad when you were little. I wasn’t diagnosed yet then, and I didn’t know what was going on with me, but I knew it was very bad. I thought–I honestly thought–that you would be better off without me. Drugs and alcohol are also a part of my story, but I stopped doing that many years ago. I was self-medicating because they made me feel more normal, but then I got addicted to them and it was a disaster. I finally got diagnosed as bipolar in 2015, and was then able to get help with medication But I was already involved in the criminal justice system by then, and my life continued to be very bad. I had no support from anyone, and I was alone. I tried and tried to be allowed to stay in your life, but your father and my parents had decided by then that I wasn’t good for you, so they spent the next 10 years keeping you away from me. We went to court several times, but I always lost because I didn’t have an attorney and they both did.

I never wanted to stay away from you, but my mental health wasn’t stable, and they didn’t want me around you. They thought they were doing what was best for you.

I have a better handle on my mental health now, psychotic episodes still happen to me, and then the police come to arrest me, and then I commonly fight with then because I don’t want to be arrested, and then I end up in prison. I have no memory of these events, and I have no control over them.

Bipolar disorder is a disease that has to do with chemical imbalances in the brain. People cannot help whether they have a mental illness or not. Sometimes I have to be hospitalized in a psychiatric hospital so they can change my medication and stabilize me.

I’m telling you this because I believe that you deserve to know, and not as some excuse for my behavior. This is a reason, not an excuse. I don’t expect you to forgive me, but you deserve an explanation.

I hope you are okay. If you ever decide you want to talk to me, I would be overjoyed. If you wanted to write back, you could, using the Florida address on the front of the envelope.

I love you.

Mom

I don’t even know if Dubya will give that letter to her. I don’t know if I should even mail it. I’m sure Dubya will take issue with it, but it’s the truth.

The last part of the book, “Unfair,” says that according to recent research, problem-solving courts that aid in perpetrators apologizing to victims and facilitating forgiveness by victims of the people who committed the crimes are far more effective than punishment. 

Makes sense.

We teach our kids to apologize and forgive, but adults we lock in cages? THAT doesn’t make any sense. Okay, that’s the end of that book. Onto a new book:

“Interrupted Life: Experiences of Incarcerated Women in the United States by Rickie Solinger, Paula C Johnson, Martha L. Raimon, Tina Reynolds, and Ruby C. Tapia © 2010.

Of course, on the first page it says that women prisoners have increased 700 percent since 1977. Some other stats: The majority of incarcerated women are poor, African American or Latina, are there due to nonviolent or drug offenses, are not educated, are mothers, and have had childhood trauma resulting in mental/physical health problems and histories of substance abuse.

No kidding.

6:38pm

Lockdown. I talked to Superman and King–they were watching some princess movie and eating chicken wing dip. They’re building a new tree fort. Apparently there was a fight over on M Unit, that’s why we’re locked down.

Muncy State Prison

May 19th, 2024

Sunday

7:18pm

Not much happened today. Bambi has had the shits for three days, and now Daisy is feeling nauseated. I feel like I’m next. I worked on Bambi’s story a little bit today, and I can’t believe what an incredible idiot she was for believing this guy she was with for so long when she kept catching him in lies over and over and OVER again.

Whatever.

I told her I’d write the story, so I’m writing it.

Muncy State Prison

May 20th, 2024 

Monday

4:17pm

I got ahold of Motorcycle–he hasn’t been feeling well. He’s having dizzy spells and headaches. He also says I’ve ruined him because he never cared about anyone enough to be lonely for them before, and now he’s lonely.

Awe. Sweet.

7pm Lockdown. Fighting.

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Rockabye, Alcoholism, and AA

September 9th, 2017
Saturday

Day 67

11am

Off to a meeting. I can’t wait to see my kids tomorrow.

Song–

Pray– Kesha?

“I hope you’re somewhere praying, 

I hope your soul is changing, 

I hope you find your peace

Falling on your knees

Praying…..”

Song–

“Rockabye

Ooooh love

No one’s ever gonna hurt you love

I’m gonna give you all of my love

No one matters like you love

So rockabye….”

I wrote Lilly a letter. Still driving. Preggo #1 seems like she’s going to have that baby soon. Speaking of babies, I’m reading my grief book more.

It says: 

“Very young children, by necessity, form the centerpiece of life. They absorb the lion’s share of the attention of the primary caretaker. When that young child dies, the parent is out of a job that literally consumed each of her waking hours. In addition, young children are untainted. Our love for them is pure and unconditional., so that the loss  strikes at the heart of our hopes and dreams.”

I can relate to Evelyn, who lost an adult son, when she says, “I blow up at little things, out of proportion. I’m aware that I’m ultrasensitive and that I sometimes hurt people. I have no purpose in life. What should my purpose be in life at this point? I don’t enjoy anything to the extent that I used to. My entire book, Kidowed, was a blow up. 

The entire thing.

“The more ways in which people find meaning and fulfillment in life, the less crippling it is when one of those avenues is closed. That is why parents who lose only children [Ethan] lose not only the child but the entire aspect of their existence that was defined in the parent role.”

Meeting:

Easy does it (but do it)

Recovering addicts aren’t perfect after all. Our friends and sponsors are human, just like me.

Rodney: 

“I’m not drug-proof, I’m just drug-free. We do not become perfect, we become better.”

[We’re not bad, we’re sick.]

“We trust them, allowing them to love us until we can love ourselves.”

Megan: 

“I just want to live my damn life.”

“The glow of early recovery.”

Me: 

First time I said to the judge that I needed help and had a problem.

–Last night’s chip

“If I love me, why am I still doing destructive things to me?”

“The disease dies in the light of exposure.”

People hugged me. It was nice.

“The hardest part is ‘I,’ when all of the steps begin with ‘We.’”

“The higher the peak, the wider the recovery.”

“She came in with butterflies on her shirt and stretchy pants.” –Crash on an 11 year old addict going to meetings. “My heart hurts for her every time I see her.”

Song: 

The truth is…that you could slit my throat…and with my one last gasping breath, I’d apologize for bleeding on your shirt,

Maybe I should hate you for this…never did ever really get quite that far.

I found out that Crash wasn’t using to get into the Center, she was driving on a DUI suspension. She’s been clean for 15 months today and I talked to her today about sponsoring me. I wonder how that will go. I’m kind of excited about it but kind of scared that it’ll be a big flop like my last sponsor. Maybe it’ll be different because we’re sort of friends. Maybe she’ll think I’m a big flop.

Huh.

I guess we’ll see.

She told me, well showed me a tattoo that says, RIP [name of her child] on her back after I spoke (AGAIN!!) about Ethan at the meeting today and cried. That was big of her. Poor baby, only lived to be 17 weeks–what’s that–four months? Just about the age Kaylee was. Heart defect caused by alcoholism. I wonder how she dealt (well, deals) with the guilt?

I need to know.

Maybe I’ll ask her sometime. Her story prompted me to tell her about the abortion I had when I was using and drinking heavily in 2011. Of course, it was Mother’s day weekend. 

My punishment. 

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Shitty Days

Women’s Center

September 8th, 2017


Grief Book: 

“The edifice of his life shook but withstood the emotional holocaust.”

“Many years later, Madelyn remains depressed. Her life is empty and her guilt profound. Without the consuming purpose of caring for her sick son, she is emotionally destitute.”

Boy, can I relate to that one. After Ethan died, I didn’t know what to do with myself. I got a night job when I already had a demanding full-time job, worked on a co-dependent relationship with my alcoholic sister, and got involved with an animal rights/rescue group and thus started taking in inordinate numbers of stray cats for later placement. I needed something to fill every minute of my life so I didn’t go stark raving mad, which I was terrified of, because I could feel the insanity lurking just behind my busy, productive facade.

8pm

Group: Reading: “Trust the Divine Plan”

God, one of the women in my book lost her only son after she told him he could leave rehab and she would take care of him and then he died of an accidental overdose!

Horrible.

That’s like Gert, losing a husband in a car accident and then having a son commit suicide.

Horrible.

9am

Wow this day is going slow. Last night I found out that I’m not allowed to work after waiting for two months for my work release papers.

Nice.

The Big Boss’ reasoning? My health problems aren’t resolved. WTF. I have SYSTEMIC LUPUS. MY HEALTH ISSUES ARE NEVER GOING TO BE RESOLVED!! OMG!!

And when did she turn into a doctor? This pisses me off so bad. Grrrrr…. I tried to talk to Mr. Big about it, but but that didn’t work. All he has are jokes and rhetoric. Not helpful at all. He told me I should change my attitude because I said it was difficult to talk to the Big Boss because she gets so defensive and nasty with me. I can just look at her and she gets mean! I think I intimidate her, and I don’t think that’s anything I can change. At least I get my steroids. Yay. I feel much better today.

More of my book:

“Death is loss. Death of a child is the ultimate loss.”

Group:

How to Surround Yourself with the Right People:

“If you hang around someone with a cold, you’ll eventually catch a cold. What are you catching from the people around you?”

“Don’t give up what you really want for what you want right now.”

9:40pm

Went to a meeting. Managed to get through the whole thing without crying (because I didn’t talk) and then this really sweet old lady asked me how I was, and I started crying, telling her about Ethan’s birthday. Then this Asian guy sees me crying and busts in with “DO YOU NEED A HUG?” and then I got swarmed with about eight hugs, which made me laugh through my tears. I love that group of people. 

THEN, I was leaving, and the Asian guy follows me out, running down the stairs after me (he does everything loudly and at top speed, it seems) yelling, “I give you a chip, I give you a chip!” Then he hands me an AA chip that says, “HAD A SHITTY DAY AND DIDN’T DRINK!” 

HA!! HILARIOUS! And super nice. 

What a great crowd.

Tonight’s group was about anger. I’m not mad anymore, I’m just really, really sad.

What a fucking life.

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From Heroin Addict to the Local Strip Mall

INTERVIEW

“Kimberly”

Age: 29years

Female

White

Two children

Trauma?

Childhood trauma, abusive boyfriends

Addiction?

Yes, drinking at 13, pot. Meth at 15, painkillers, heroin

Mental Illness?

Not diagnosed with any, no meds presently

How much time have you done in jail/prison in your entire life?

3-4 years

What happened?

“I was selling dope, fucking the dope dealer, met up with a CI (Confidential Informant), got a PWID (Possession with Intent to Deliver).”

Sentence:

3 ½ – 7 years 

Public Defender, Plea deal

“I would have done better with a paid lawyer. I took an open plea because the judge seemed very understanding. They kept continuing the court case. I had two cases in Lancaster County, I got another charge for selling $20 worth of dope from Lehigh Valley. I was told I would get a 1-2 year concurrent sentence with the other charges and I did.”

Gravity Score: 3

Had a weed sale on juvenile record.

Were you treated fairly by the system?

Not necessarily fair. It was my first adult drug charge for five grams of Fentanyl. I was never offered rehab. My codefendant got 3-6 years. He might have had a paid lawyer. Drug addicts are treated more harshly.”

Plans?

“Go to my grandma’s house, try to stay sober, reconnect with my kids.”

Is prison rehabilitative?

“Not prison, but space between drugs and me. I’d be dead if I wasn’t here, but long-term rehab would have been better.”

Career?

“I’m going to start at the local strip mall.”

What do you do for fun?

I never really had any hobbies as an adult.

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Mother’s Day in Prison

May 12th, 2024

Sunday

Mother’s Day

I slept all day. I didn’t even go to Med Line this morning. My mother messaged me a message from Superman and King: “Happy Mother’s Day. We love you. We have a soccer game at 10. We lost the last one. If we could send heart emojis, we would. We’re going to send you a Mother’s Day card.”

I’ll call them at 6:30pm if I can. I have to do trash right now. 

I called the boys. Motorcycle didn’t answer twice. Of course–he can’t be there for me when I’m having a hard time. That’s just crazy talk. Superman was trying to ride his bike up the porch stairs. King was pretty talkative–mostly about Roblox.

May 13th, 2024

11:12am

So I talked to my lawyer, the Public Defender. He didn’t help at all. He hasn’t talked to the DA about my charges, and he doesn’t know what the state is going to do with me. He was just then reading the Criminal Complaint while he was on the phone with me. He kept saying, “You don’t belong in [prison].” Yeah, well, help me out then!!

He asked me over and over again why this keeps happening to me and what is the cause. If I fucking knew, I wouldn’t fucking be here!!

FUCK!!

They all want me to have a nice little reason that they can package up with a cute little bow, and then they can tell the DA that this will never happen again. I don’t have a goddamn reason, sir. I don’t know if this will happen again. My guess is yes. Probably in two or three years. See you then, Dick.

1:35pm

I called my mother, who said that she would call Paul’s sister about my tax return. I have to find a way to pay for a different lawyer. I talked to Motorcycle and he said that he would talk to my work about my last paycheck. That’s not going to do it, but it would help. I wish my parents (or anyone) would just loan me the money and I could pay them back. I’m afraid to hope that there could be a better outcome for this.

3:27pm

Gem sent me a card! On the inside, she wrote, 

“You are the strongest person I know and I know you can get through anything! You got this! Love you so much!

Love, 

Gem

I don’t know about that, but I appreciate the sentiment. The actual card said something about thoughts and prayers and God.