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Lies By Omission, Breakups, and Audre Lorde

February 19th, 2025

Wednesday

Muncy State Prison

8:42pm

So, Zuko and I are sitting downstairs a little bit ago, and Cricket comes up to us and starts talking about how she tried to give the note Zuko wrote to Tyson to her, but she wouldn’t take it. 

WHAT??!!

WHAT ARE YOU FUCKING TALKING ABOUT?!

She’s writing her?

This, coming from the woman who wants a monogamous fucking relationship with me??

So I’m silent after Cricket leaves, and Zuko makes some stupid comment about the movie we’re watching.

Silence.

She says, “Are we fighting?” and then starts talking about how people have been coming up to her saying that Tyson looks like shit, and she was supposed to have some surgery, and she was just checking to see if Tyson was okay.

Jesus Fucking Christ.

All that’s running through my head is:

“THIS IS WHY I DON’T DO MONOGAMY. THIS IS WHY I DON’T DO MONOGAMY.”

It’s the sneaky, lie-by-omission, underhanded, back-door, super-secret-BULLSHIT that I ALWAYS try to AVOID!!

I say, “You should have told me first. If you don’t want to be in a relationship, then let’s not be in a relationship.”

She splutters and says she does want to be in a relationship, but everyone told her not to be so honest, and she’s sorry, and bla, bla.

I say it’s fine, but she’s the one keeping this relationship with Tyson going, not Tyson, like she said.

Is she addicted to drama or something?

Chaos?

Jesus fucking Christ. 

Who knows.

This is a note she handed to me earlier:

Hey there, Beautiful, 

I don’t have a lot of time to write you, cuz I’ve been busy doing awesome Zuko shit all day. 🙂 But I wanted you to know that I’m always thinkin’ of you + I love you. 

A lot.

I love how much fun we have together + that we can have intelligent conversations together, + fuck you’re so fuckin’ sexy. It’s hard to keep my hands and lips off you, cuz they’d be all over you all of the time if it was possible. 

I loved what you wrote.

Please continue. 🙂 I’d love to have you on me, you’re sexy AF Babe. I wanna be as close as fucking possible to you. You’re so fuckin’ hot + I definitely want you on top of me. 🙂

We’re gonna have Earth shattering sex when I get outta here. And then we can get married for the 4,729th time. 🙂 

I choose you every day, Sprout.

Thanks for choosing me too.

I’m all yours, as long as you’ll have me. 

I gotta go!

I don’t wanna be late and keep you waiting. 

I love you.

♥️

All of that rings kind of hollow now. I mean, she did jump out of the relationship with Tyson and into one with me really fast.

We should have taken a break first.. 

Maybe we should take one now.

February 20th, 2025

Thursday

8:53am 

Book:

“Abolition for the People”

Edited by Colin Kaepernick

P. 122

“According to the World Health Organization, incarceration is detrimental to mental health due to ‘ various forms of violence,’ enforced solitude, or, conversely, lack of privacy, lack of meaningful activity, isolation from social networks, insecurity about future prospects (work, relationships, etc.) and inadequate mental health services..’”

P. 123

“For the master’s tools will never dismantle the master’s house. They may allow us temporarily to beat him at his own game, but they will never enable us to bring about genuine change. And this fact is only threatening to those women who still define the master’s house as their only source of support,”

—Audre Lorde

P. 151-152

“Roughly a quarter of all bailiff’s, correctional officers, and jailers are Black yet there’s no indication that diversifying the staff of a racist institution results in less violence and death for those who are held within it. That’s because the institution continues to operate as designed. It is not ‘broken,’ as reformists are fond of saying. The fallacy is in believing the function of police and prisons is to mete out punishment and justice in an equitable manner and not to first and foremost serve as a means of maintaining the race, gender, and class hierarchy of an oppressive society.

Believing that the system is ‘broken’ rather than functioning exactly as intended requires a certain adherence to White supremacist and anti-Black beliefs. One has to ignore the rampant amount of violence, fraud, and theft being committed by some of the most powerful figures in society with little to no legal consequences while massive amounts of resources are devoted to the hyper-policing of the poor for infractions as minor as trespassing, shoplifting, and turnstile jumping at subway stations,”

Zuko wrote me:

 
Good morning Love.

IDK when you’ll be awake + I’ll get to give this to you, but I wanted to write you anyway. If I mess shit up, I want to to be because I made the wrong choice, not cuz  I listened to other people. 

Like right now.

I’m gonna ignore Wolfy telling me that I over-explain things + to just let shit go. I wanna make sure you know how I feel + where I’m coming from, so that there’s no assuming + so I’m being open + honest with you. 

(Yup, I’m learning from you + the book you’re reading. 🙂)

You’re right: not everyone is gonna like me, + I need to be OK with that. And I need to stop worrying (catastrophizing?) about the future or stressing about the past. I want to learn every day and grow every day so I can be the best version of myself.

The gamer in me calls it “Leveling Up.” 🙂

I was taking advice from others (inmates) cuz I haven’t been successful in my relationships. 

So, logically, I need to look at myself to figure out what I’m doing wrong. Maybe those people (xgfs) were just assholes + they didn’t love me. And I have an addiction to alcohol, which fucked things up too.

Basically, I have to look at myself, and evaluate things. I signed up for the Healthy Relationships group months ago, so hopefully I get in that group + it’s helpful. I wanna be a better person, for myself + for you. 🙂

I know we talked about this last night, but I wanna make sure I get this all out clearly. 

I do not ever want to get back with her, and I honestly don’t even see us being friends. But I don’t want her as an enemy either, cuz I want her to leave you, me + my friends alone. It’s really hard for me to be an asshole on purpose, so I need to learn how to balance things better. It’s not my responsibility to make sure she’s OK, especially since she hates me.

I do not want to be with anyone besides  you. I love you + everything about you. 🙂I’m a one woman kind of woman. You + only you, get all of my love and affection. Life has been great since we decided to let our friendship evolve. 🙂 You make my heart happy too. You said something like, “This just feels right, + I have to trust that.”

I agree.

Fuk all that dumb advice people have given me. I like being honest about everything + that’s what I’m sticking with. Thank you for not quitting on me + all this monogamous gay shit you’re doing with me. ♥️I love you. Thank you for letting me learn + grow with you. Thank you for loving me. 🙂

I think that was everything I wanted to say. 

I’ve gotten interrupted by girthy banana dicks, school, Bundo on her knees “waiting for Daddy to cum” … * insert disgusted face.*

This is why it takes me so long to focus + write you, I’m sorry. 

Plus, I get distracted daydreaming about you 🙂. Holding your hand (carefully), kissing you, touching you, that one time on Vday 🙂, laughing and joking with you, listening to you talk when you’re passionate about something, looking into your beautiful eyes, seeing your pretty smile, I love you.

I’m sorry again that I wasn’t honest with you, + I’m sorry for hurting you.

Okay, I’m done now. Sorry for apologizing so much 😝 I love you, Thank you for sharing how you were feeling with me. 

I had so much fun on our date (after we got past the whole break thing + your phone call. You’re a heartbreaker.). Jimmy Timmy Smith-Jones will never be a triangle!! 

Lmao I love you so much. 🙂 I have the best time with you.

Your awesome level + my awesome level = fucking amazing. 🙂

OK. Food. See you soon.

I love you Sprout.

♥️

Me

Categories
Life Uncategorized

Journal Excerpt, 7/27/26, On Hope.

11:26pm

Called Dubya. 

Told him that I loved him, and Tiger, even if they didn’t love me back. 

Asked him if he could please remember the good times that we had, instead of just the leaving, that I did to them.

The absence of a mother.

A broken family.

Ripped apart. 

By grief, trauma, and addiction.

Told him that it was the worst mistake of my life, walking away, that I was addicted to drugs and couldn’t possibly make good decisions.

Told him that I thought that I was bad for him and Tiger, and that’s why I left.

I had just buried a daughter, for Christ’s sake, when we got together.

I buried Kaylee in March of 2008. 

Tiger was born in December of 2009.

It was too fast, too soon. 

I was still reeling from the shock, the anguish, of burying two babies.

But Dubya had that innocent, child-like charm, that hope-filled existence, like anything could happen, if you just tried hard enough. 

And so I fell in love with him.

In love with hope, really.

That there could be a day when it would all get better.

After she was born, I picked up the addiction like I hadn’t even left off, nine months before. 

I had to be sedated to survive.

Tiger would cry and I would hear Ethan’s plaintive, hoarse howling from the pain that I couldn’t stop, in the end. 

The feeling of helplessness would just come flooding over me, any time she cried, and I would experience it all over again–the visions, the smells, the sounds.

It was always at night when it was the worst. 

Always at 3am.

When I was alone with a screaming infant that I could do nothing to protect, nothing to save him from this constant, excruciating pain.

I couldn’t be near Tiger.

Infant Napalm, I remember thinking.

Every time she cries, my brain explodes into horrific memories of blood, blisters, and bandages.

Every time.

This is how PTSD works.

I held it together for 14 months, with that one little psychotic episode when she was five weeks old, when I couldn’ t stop screaming at the pouring rain that was coming down in sheets from the black, moonless sky that night. 

I was blacked out for most of it.

Don’t remember a thing.

That is how the brain protects you from trauma.

Your conscious brain just shuts off for a while, because what you are experiencing is too painful to bear, as a human being.

My body needed to release this pain somehow, so it found a way.

It couldn’t possibly stay inside me any longer, and so it came out in screaming, wailing at a God, at a Universe, that I thought hated me, had forsaken me, and thrown me to the wolves, to suffer and suffer, until they tore me apart enough–until I lost enough lifeblood, that my heart would finally give out. 

Wolves…dismantling me, piece, by piece, until I died.

That’s how it felt. 

To be a disemboweled doe that is still standing still while the giant dogs start to eat the flesh that they have torn from her body. 

Until she finally falls down, succumbs, and dies.

When Dubya came to visit me in Clarion Psych, I was so happy to see him. 

I put my arms out to hug him, walking fast toward him, when I heard his deep, comforting voice behind me, and he picked me up–swept me off my feet, really–and carried me, like a baby, to a chair, and then sat down and held me, while I told him about the new friends that I had been making in the looney bin.

Held me hard.

I weep to write it, the memory is so raw and painful. 

That kind of love that we had for each other.

Wild and crazy–doesn’t make sense to anybody–but plain as day to see–love.

We were so in love.

He just wanted me to be fixed, to be better, and nobody knew how to fix my shattered heart.

We all wanted that.

Nobody knew that the antidote to grief is time, life experience, and helping other people. 

I know that now.

But there is no vaccine to prevent it, and no Band-Aid, no quick fix, to stop it.

While I was struggling with my profound grief of my first two children dying in my arms, Tiger and Dubya were struggling with their profound grief of the sudden loss of a mother, a wife, a family.

The sudden destruction of a family unit, as if a wrecking ball had targeted our nice, beautiful, yellow house, that Dubya had bought, in anticipation of a family.

“I just want to be married and have a family,” he had told me, on the first date, even–which shocked the hell out of me.

So we tried to do that.

I failed miserably.

He was never the same again.

In a terrible, angry, resentful, broken way.

In a truly awful way.

My doctors tell me that my heart has been damaged, and that there is scarring on it.

I’m not surprised.

What surprises me is that I lived through it at all.

And that the reason for me living through it is to tell my story, so that others will learn things like empathy and compassion. 

And so I wrote it down. 

In journals, that became books and blogs, that are available to anybody with an Amazon or WordPress account and a few dollars.

The blog is free, of course. 

Amazon doesn’t let you put ebooks on it for free, or I would do that.

But here’s the thing–people with no empathy or compassion don’t read. 

They don’t learn new things.

On purpose.

And so they never change, never grow.

They are like Dubya is now, stuck in the pain, the rage, the anger at the crap hand he was dealt in life by accidentally marrying a drug-addicted whore, which is how he describes me to others, in other words.

Choices, he says. 

I made bad choices, and so now I have to live with the fact that my now 16-year old daughter will not speak to me, hasn’t spoken to me in well over a year, save for two conversations, both of which ended up with her hanging up on me.

The truth hurts.

But it turns out that the truth is also how you grow into a whole human being. 

The truth lets you make your own decisions, instead of basing your choices and your mental and emotional well-being off of what other people have told you.

The truth will set you free.

And so I tried to tell her the truth about me.

And I’m sure I failed miserably at that, too.

But I am a whole person now.

So I am hopeful.

That some day, in some way, she will open her heart just a tiny crack, and let some light in.

Shed some light, and truth, on what actually happened to her. 

To all of us.

I still have hope.

Categories
Life Uncategorized

Picnics, Fantasies, and some Fuckery

May 26, 2018

Day 327

Saturday

8am

Pancakes for breakfast this morning. I wonder what today will be like. I guess we’re going to an AA/NA picnic for Memorial Day. Sandra is already bitching that we get to go and she doesn’t. She says the ones who have to stay back, they should get to go to the store for soda.

Yeah, right.

11am

On our way to the picnic with Tori, Jo, Jolene, Sugar Momma, and June. I guess Mr. Big is going to be there. 

Hm. 

I painted my nails and am wearing a dress.

I wonder how it will be.

May 27th, 2018

Day 328

Sunday

9:30am

The picnic yesterday was good. Nikolai and Temperance were there, which was nice, except she upset Tori by telling her that it’s been going around that she’s been getting high. 

Tori cried all the way home.

Big was at the picnic looking as hot as ever–a woman there even walked up to him and asked him for his number, but he didn’t give it to her.

I was surprised.

He got hit with a water balloon at one point, and almost took his shirt off, but then he didn’t. 

Boy, would I have loved to see that show. Of course it would be torture at the same time. More fodder for my dreams, I guess, which he’s been showing up in lately.

Anyway, it’s time to do the fucking kitchen inventory now, which I don’t want to do. I rained all last night and my whole body hurts.

12:30pm

I planted in the garden, instead of doing meal planning. I don’t feel like cooking this week–let the new people do it. 

Now I am reading my Bible:

John 8:12: “Again Jesus spoke to them, saying, ‘I am the light of the world. Whoever follows me will not walk in darkness but will have the light of life.”

John 8:31: “So Jesus said to the Jews who had believed him, ‘If you abide by my word, you are truly my disciples, and you will know the truth, and the truth will set you free.’”

May 28th, 2018

Day 329

Monday

11am

Today is Memorial Day, so Big isn’t working. Tori, Grammy, Jo, and I are making picnic food. The rest of the women are at a parade down the road except for Sugar Momma, who is in bed with the barfs.

It seems like she’s sick every day.

We were going to do the roadside rest for our picnic, but we can’t because of her being in bed.

My mother brought the boys yesterday, and we read books for an hour, which was very nice. She didn’t say anything about the letter I wrote her, although she did ask how I was, which is a big step for her. I told her I was sick from being in the sun all day Saturday, and she told me I should invest in a sunhat, which is a good idea.

Now I am praying for the strength and willingness to forgive the others in my life that have wronged me. I have to forgive myself at some point, too, but I don’t know if I’m ready for that. My sponsor came last night to see me too, but we didn’t talk much about the steps. We were just basically catching up, because I didn’t see her last week.

My hands hurt (more rain last night), so I’m going to read my “And Still She Laughs: Defiant Joy in the Depths of Suffering” book:

“I could argue that I should, in fact, stay afraid as a form of protection, because life is brutal and good things don’t last. Or I could say that God was with me, that He received Daisy (her daughter) into his arms, that He carries us through the valley of the shadow of death and will continue to be present in our time of need.”

–Kate Merrick

“Fear causes us to miss out on the beauty and joy that exists in every life.”

2:30pm

We went outside for a while, which was nice. Now we’re doing “Music Therapy,” which is just us listening to music for an hour. Ke$ha’s “Praying” is on right now.

Outside, the garden I planted is doing well. Grammy’s not having a good day. She looks like she’s going to kill someone. Tori has court in nine days to see if she can get out of here a month early. I’ll miss her a lot if she goes, but I’ve been lucky that she’s been in here this long with me. She just wrote me a not saying that it pisses her off when she’s in the bathroom peeing, and somebody shouts, “Who’s in there?” Like she’s going to stop peeing and then go back in and finish peeing in boiled egg and tuna smell.

Gross!

She’s so funny.

Sandra has a fan blowing only on her, and the rest of us are sitting here sweating.

Selfish.

And how do women like Elaine and Brenda have boyfriends and I don’t?!

I need to stop. 

I’m being mean and wallowing in self-pity.

Again.

Ugh.

It’s almost time for being in our rooms, which I enjoy because then I can take a nap. “Fight Song” is on–Tori’s favorite.

Back to my book:

John 14:27 “I am leaving you with a gift–peace of mind and heart. And the peace I give is a gift the world cannot give. So don’t be troubled or afraid.”

–Jesus

I bet Sandra regretted that fan–Grammy just farted and it went right in her face.

“We decide if we are willing to laugh without fear.”

Isaiah 63:9: “In all their suffering, He [Jesus] also suffered.”

Heb. 2:18: “Since he himself has gone through suffering and testing, he is able to help us when we are being tested.”

Well, I finished my book. Granny has some wicked gas and is stinking it up in here. Halfway through the book, the author has a miscarriage, but even in her grief, she is grateful for what she has. It reminds me that only three of my nine pregnancies survived past infancy, and four were never born at all. But I, too, can be grateful for the children that I do have, and not bitter (any more) for those that I lost.

6pm

Group.

We’ve watched these “Life Skills videos about a thousand times now. 

Ugh.

Tori is over in the corner snickering about the look on my face. Jo and Diamond are discussing laxatives, Brenda’s buttcrack is hanging out, and Jolene and Sandra are journaling. I guess Sugar Momma’s Grandmother died, which is terrible. I hate it when people lose their loved ones while they’re in here–it makes it that much harder.

The woman in this video has crazy high hair–like beehive hair. She looks like Loretta Lynn.

There are a lot of flies in here–it is super annoying. It’s also well above 80 degrees, which makes everyone miserable, especially Grammy.

I can’t watch this anymore.

I’m going to read my Bible.

10:30pm

Full moon tonight, and boy, can you tell around here. Jolene is hysterical because her ex keeps showing up when we’re out and scaring the shit out of her. He beat her so badly one time in public that she had to have her face reconstructed. The PFA on him expired, so she needs a new one, and Big doesn’t seem to be taking it seriously. This is a mental health disaster waiting to happen. 

I’m worried about her.

She thinks she’s never mattered her whole life, and it’s more of the same here.

May 29th, 2018

Tuesday

Day 330

6am

I’m not sure why, but I got up at 5:30am today. Actually I am sure–I had a dream that it was 7:30am, and Big was here already, and I was late getting up. 

Ugh.

I’m watching a show on TV called “Mom” that’s really funny. Of course I’m not supposed to be watching TV because I’m on Restriction, on Friday. 

I have Crossroads today, which should be nice. 

I didn’t get to go last week because my insurance lapsed.

It’s funny, on this show, the mom says, “It checks out,” just like Jolene does all of the time. I wonder how she’ll do today with talking to Mr. Big, who thinks that she is “overreacting.”

Wow, the women on this show are recovering alcoholics! That’ s kind of cool. Oh, they changed the channel.

Boo.

We’ll probably end up watching the Weather Channel or Hallmark now. 

Ugh. Sandra is up.

Yup–I called it–The Weather Channel. 

Yuck.

Why are people so obsessed with the weather?

7:30am

Omg, I just walked past Jo’s room and she had a spoon sitting on her nightstand!!

WTF is she thinking?!

Geezoman. If she gets caught with that, it’s considered contraband. I hope she’s not using it to cook drugs–that would be the stupidest thing she could do.

Wow.

Dummy.

We haven’t had room searches in weeks, if not months, so they must be coming up soon.

Anyway, I hope today is a good day. I actually love Crossroads, individual and group therapy, and I hope that I am still able to go after I’m out of here. Some people even bring their kids with them. Of course, if I live with Tori, I’ll finally have a babysitter. Shit, that reminds me–I need to call the landlord about this house we might get! 

Oh.

Business phone calls aren’t until 10am, and I’ll be in Wellsboro at 10am.

Poop.

The staff is asking Mr. Big–aaaaaaaaaaaaaaand he said no. 

Predictable.

He hasn’t been out of his office yet this morning, probably because it seems like everyone needs to talk to him urgently. The rest of the women will be leaving for grocery shopping pretty soon. I gave Tori my book, “And Still She Laughs” by Kate Merrick to read–I hope she gets something out of it.

Bible:

John 12:44– “And Jesus cried out and said, ‘Whoever believes in me, believes not in me but in Him who sent me. And whoever sees me sees him who sent me. I have come into the world of light, so that whoever believes in me may not remain in darkness. If anyone hears my words and does not keep them, I do not judge him; for I did not come to judge the world but to save the world.”

John 13:31: “‘A new commandment I give to you, that you love one another just as I have loved you, you also are to love one another.”

–Jesus

John 14:6: “Jesus said to him, ‘I am the way, and the truth, and the life. No one comes to the Father except through me.’”

John 14:27 “‘Let not your hearts be troubled, neither let them be afraid.’”

–Jesus

John 15:5 “‘I am the vine, you are the branches.’”

John 15:9: “‘As the Father has loved me, so have I loved you.’”

–Jesus

8:30am

Oh my–people are giving Jo advice on how to poop again. She’s always constipated. Tori says that she can feel some fuckery about to happen. They had four staff this morning, including Mr. Big, and then Gert left for some reason, and no one has gone grocery shopping yet for some reason, and all the staff have been in the office all morning for some reason. It’s making me nervous.

Great.

Now Jessie came out and told us that no one can smoke all day. This might be because Sandra went out to  smoke yesterday without permission.

FUCK.

How do they think that this is “rehabilitative???”

John 16:22: “‘So also you have sorrow now, but I will see you again, and your hearts will rejoice, and no one will take your joy from you.’”

–Jesus

John 16:27: “‘For the Father himself loves you, because you have loved me and have believed that I came from God.’”

–Jesus

9am

Woooooooooooooow. We’re not allowed to smoke for the whole day, and staff won’t even tell us why. I’m going to guess that this isn’t going to be just a one-day thing, either. 

Great.

This should be a blast.

They sent Stacey with us to make sure we don’t smoke.

Cool.

12pm

Group is over. Now waiting for Tori for an hour while she’s in Individual [Group]. Group was good. I talked about my letter to my mother, forgiveness, and letting go of resentments, which is still difficult for me.

1pm

On our way home. I told Stacey about Jo and Jolene…I couldn’t seem to help it. I don’t know if it was the right thing to do or not, but I prayed about it beforehand, and then felt compelled to tell her, so we’ll see what fuckery this brings.

I hope it’s not bad.

I didn’t really know what else to do–I mean–the girl is leaving fucking spoons in plain view!!

Ugh.

Anyway, it’s just beautiful outside today. The wildflowers are blooming, the sky is pastel blue with big, puffy white clouds, and the temperature is in the 80s. 

Beautiful.

Tori wants to pick the Sweet Williams’ and Rhododendrons and put them in her room, but we’re not allowed to bring flowers in the building because Sugar Momma is allergic. She seems to have a multitude of health problems.

2pm

Now we have parenting class–

The Four Main Parenting Styles–

Authoritarian, Authoritative, Permissive, Uninvolved.

The parenting lady had her phone in her back pocket, and the flashlight was on, and Mr. Big saw it and pointed that her butt was glowing, and she asked why he was looking at it.

Funny.

Score the following using this scale:

1 = Always

2 = Most of the time

3 = Sometimes

4 = Rarely

5 = Never

  1. It is fun and fulfilling to be a member of our family.
  2. Everyone in our family participates in family tasks.
  3. Family togetherness and unity hold high priority in our family.
  4. We promote family love and unity by following certain values and family traditions, such as respecting prayer for the meal.
  5. We plan a family day or do something together at least once a week.

7pm

Now we have an in-house group with Tori’s sponsor, Gena. I didn’t know it, but at 3:30pm, I had a doctor’s appointment to recheck my Hep-C. My liver values are still high, but stable. I’ll find out about my actual viral load in a few days.

We’re on Step 9 now, which is making amends to others. Gena always tells this story about how her fiance (now husband) screwed a different woman, and how after that, Gena was always flipping her off and acting like a fool toward her–and eventually Gena apologized to her for her bad behavior toward her.

I can’t imagine.

Of course she adds in that if she knew then what she knows now, she wouldn’t have married him. 

Geez.

Jolene is talking, yet again, about how her ex is terrorizing her and how she feels worthless. She is hijacking every single group lately with this. I guess on Sunday night, he was driving down the road, and he sped up while some of the women from the Center were crossing the road, and Jolene swears he was trying to hit them. I’m not sure why she would go back to the Galeton meeting at all after the last meltdown.

I don’t mean to be insensitive, I mean, I feel for the girl; but it’s obvious that the solution is a PFA and some serious mental health counseling.

“Pain is the touchstone of all spiritual progress.”

–Unknown (12 Steps and 12 Traditions, AA)

9pm

Geezoman.

Now Jo, Jolene, and Tori are getting their rooms searched. Apparently they found something in Jo’s room, because she just came out and flipped out about it, saying, “This is fucking bullshit!! Somebody’s been running their fucking mouths!”

I meeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeaaaaaaaaaan….she had a damn spoon on her nightstand for God’s sake!!

What did she expect?!

Whatever.

The fuckery continues.

Oh, she just came out and said that she had a lighter and a cigarette in her room.

Categories
Life Uncategorized

My Fickle, Fickle Heart…

February 18th, 2025

Tuesday

11:25am

I talked to Tiger last night. 

She was a total asshole, but I was glad to talk to her anyway.

I’m going to break up with Motorcycle today. I don’t want to fake it anymore.

Zuko wrote me:

Hey Beautiful 🙂

I cannot get enough of you. I have so much fun when we’re talking and making up fucking ridiculous shit together. Lol 🙂I feel high. I’m high on you. It’s lovely. I don’t even care if you don’t get the plumage right, I’ll still marry you every day for the rest of my life, which is forever, cuz I’m immortal and all that. Good times and bad, rich or poor, sickness and health, even if you have tiny clusters of burgers on your ass 😛(Asperger’s). 

I love you.

I loved the lyrics you wrote. Who is it? Please don’t say Taylor Swift 🙂. I love feeling your hands on me. Thanks again for the massage, babe. And it was cute that you kissed me then, cuz it’s normal 🙂. I’m manifesting us being affectionate and lovey whenever the fuck we want. And a nice big bed for us to enjoy each other in. Kissing you as I walk you over to the bed, and pausing to take your shirt off. Smiling and kissing you some more while I run my fingers across your body, up your back, and unhook your bra 🙂. I kiss you down your neck and across your chest and pull your bra straps off your shoulders one at a time with my mouth. You pull my shirt over my head and wait for me to take off my sports bra. We kiss passionately as I carefully guide you down onto the bed and start kissing my way slowly down your neck…chest…Imma hang out here for a second… 🙂…and down your stomach. 

Let’s get your pants off.

You’re so fuckin’ sexy. 🙂

I kiss my way up the inside of your thighs and slide my fingers under your panties so I can get them off. We kiss some more cuz we can’t get enough of each other.

You stop so you can get my pants + boxers off too, so we can feel each other’s bodies pressed together.

You feel so fuckin good.

I need all of you.

We stare deeply into each others eyes + I whisper “I love you” + you whisper “I love you” back.

We kiss passionately while my hand explores your body carefully, gently, while I learn every part of you.

I kiss my way down your body again + run my fingers up your inner thigh. 

You are a Goddess, I worship you with my tongue.

Slowly at first, tasting all of you. 🙂

I take my time so you can get as much pleasure as possible before I focus on your clit, gently licking and sucking on it, driving you fucking crazy.

You’re moaning and breathing heavy, so I keep the same rhythm with my tongue and mouth and slide my fingers into you, which sends you over the edge. 

You pull me up to you cuz you need my body against yours, so I wrap myself around you before kissing you.

You’re beautiful and so fuckin’ sexy.

OK, so I manifest that. Feel free to also manifest some things. 🙂

I need dinner, + then meeting + freezing our asses off for meds, + then a little chill time before we have jobs. 🙁

I miss you, Sprout.

Thanks for telling me how to hold your hand. 

I love you + I don’t ever want to hurt you. 

February 18th, 2025

Tuesday

(Continued)

I wrote Zuko back: 

Those lyrics are from Ed Sheeran, I think. Sorry I’m not talkative today, I feel sedated. 

Need coffee. 

Got coffee. 

Feel more awake. 

You’re so fucking sexy, have I told you that yet today? And I love you, I forgot to let you know. I always want to be near you, and I love hanging out with you. You’re so funny. 

Here’s your lyrics for today–

“Please

Stay

I want you, I need you

Oh God

Don’t
Take

These beautiful things that I’ve got.”

–Benson Boone

Here’s my manifestation for today–you and me naked in a hot tub with or without a titch of wine. I think everything is funny. You think I’m ridiculous. The mood changes. We catch each other’s eyes. You bite your lip like you do, and your eyes slide down my body. I come over to you and wrap my legs around you, taking your face in my hands and kissing you passionately. I love your mouth on mine. I kiss your neck and face and whisper, “I love you,” in your ear. “Mmmmmmmmm…..” you say, and put your hands on my ass, bringing me closer. We keep kissing while I run my hands down your body. We can’t get close enough. “You’re so fucking sexy,” I say, finding your clit. I rub gently, you put your head back, I kiss all over your neck. “Let’s get outta here,” you say…

To Be Continued…

8:57pm

I broke up with Motorcycle. It went okay. At first he made it about money, of course, like I was using him the whole time. I said if that were true, I would just fake it and he could keep sending me money.

Fuck that.

Then he said he wanted me to “think about what I am doing,” and that he didn’t want me to go.

It was painful, but it was worth it.

I don’t love him anymore, and I’m not about to keep telling him that I do. Daisy, Martha, and even Zuko all told me to stay with him until I get all my stuff back, but I just can’t do that. I asked him if he wanted somebody to come pick up my stuff, but he said no. I told him I would pay him back all the money that I owed him.

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Life Uncategorized

So, Bindi’s at It Again…Back to Court. For no Reason.

Welp, I had to file another Petition for Modification of Custody today, because my mother, Bindi, decided, out of the clear blue sky, apparently, that seven hours per week with my children, supervised by Motorcycle, is just too much.

She told me that I could have ONE hour with the boys today, with HER supervising.

When I asked her why, what changed, she replied with a scoff: “Ugh. I do NOT have to tell you that, Jessica.”

I said, “So you’re just not going to?”

She said, “I think I already answered that.”

This is after she took them to Vermont and Maine for nine days, so we haven’t seen each other at all for that length of time.

One hour, supervised.

When I pushed her, and said that they had never, ever NOT been taken care of while in my care, and that NOTHING bad has ever happened to warrant this, she said that if I took good care of them, then I wouldn’t have to worry.

I reminded her that YES, I DO have to worry, because she and my father think NOTHING of LYING UNDER OATH ABOUT ME, she hung up on me.

Here we go again.

Same old, same old.

And I have to represent myself, because I cannot afford a civil attorney.

It’s been one full year since I’ve been out of prison, and NOTHING bad has happened.

We’ll see what happens this time.

This should be interesting.

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Life Uncategorized

“Thinking Errors,” Dead Daughters, and Forgiving Bindi

The Women’s Center

May 23rd, 2018

Wednesday

Day 324

5am

I got up an hour ago. I’m afraid I’ve gone into a manic phase of my bipolar depression, because I can’t seem to sleep, yet I’m not tired during the day. It’s actually a nice change from being tired all of the time. Tori’s birthday is in two days. I have to think of something nice to do for her. Her son Jackson’s birthday was yesterday, which was hard for her. Today I have to write my mother a letter and get my driver’s license renewal sent out and give my “And Still She Laughs,” book to Sugar Momma and read the book of John in the Bible three times.

Whew!

Maybe that’s why I’m up early! I have a lot to do! I also have to pay taxes and other bills and I’d like to plant more in the garden. It rained last night a good bit–we’ll see how it looks today. My joints are definitely feeling the weather. I’m worried about Sugar Momma. She moaned and groaned and got up and sat back down and left the room three times and switched chairs with me because she was uncomfortable all during the inspirational video about Jesus last night, and at medication time, I finally asked her what her problem was with God. Her eyes welled up with tears when she said, “I’m just so mad! Why her and not me??!”

She was talking about her 22-year old daughter, Kayla, who died a mere four years ago from a heroin overdose. I didn’t know what to say, other than I knew how she felt. Maybe she should read my book, “Kidowed.” I had nothing but pure rage for well over a decade before I finally accepted the fact that God loves me and my children, and He chose me to be their mother, and that it was an honor and a privilege to serve Him in this way.

But Kayla (which is very similar to Kaylee, my daughter’s name) didn’t die of a fatal illness. She died by her own hand, for which Sugar Momma also probably has a fair amount of anger at. I never was put in the position of being angry with my children, but I can identify with her feeling that God took her from Sugar Momma, and I get the unfairness and betrayal in that.

Of course that’s not the way it works, but far be it for me to tell that to a bereaved mother, for people must come to these conclusions on their own, or they are rendered meaningless.

Maybe I’ll ask Mr. Big how he thinks that I can help her. I did pray for her, but she has to come to know several important things before she will be able to make peace with Kayla’s death, most of them God-centered. If she refuses, then she will be stuck in the same pitiful cycle of self-loathing, unrequited grief, anger, bitterness, and resentment that I was for so long, and that’s an extremely dangerous place for an addict to be.

Letter to my mother: 

Mom– (not Bindi) 5/23/2018

I’m sorry it took me this long to write, and I’m forever apologizing for my handwriting, but that never changes. 🙂

I wanted to tell you first and foremost that I forgive you. I have come to realize that I have an unforgiving spirit and that I carry a lot of resentments and bitterness in my heart, and I need to let these things go, or they will continue to destroy me.

Also, I wanted to tell you how much it meant to me that you made me a pillow, and that you thought of me at all on Mother’s Day. Yellow is my favorite color, and the saying was just beautiful. I hope you know that I mean these words from the bottom of my heart, and that I pray for you every day and wish you nothing but the best for you and your family.

I also hope and pray that you will give my children back to me when I get out of the Center in July, so that we don’t have to go through a long, drawn-out process in court, but if that is your will, then that’s what we’ll do. I have come to know that I deserve good things too in my life, and that I have forgiven myself too, which means that I have made the decision to stop punishing myself for past wrongs, and have started a new beginning. I hope that you take these words to heart, and that someday you will be able to forgive me.

I love you.

Love, 

Justine

8am

Time for Community Group. I’m grateful that I’m so awake today. Being tired all of the time sucks. Our community is still reeling from last night’s screaming match between Sandra and I, but today she seems better, and is talking about writing her essay. Maybe something I said (yelled) did stick.

12pm

“Repent…that times of refreshing may come.” (Acts 3:19 NIV)

9pm

We just got back from the meeting and Nikolai was sitting outside. As I got closer to her, I could see that her clothes were just hanging off of her and when I hugged her, I could feel all of her bones. Her eyes looked weird and her face was sunken in and she wouldn’t hold my concerned gaze and she said, “What?” twice when I asked her questions, even though I was peering right into her face and talking to her up close.

I have to pray for her right now.

Tori and I prayed.

I feel helpless to do anything to help her even though she is literally feet away from the Center. I’m going to bring her food tonight and give her my debit card. I have to trust that she’ll do the right thing and buy diapers and food and not drugs.

May 25th, 2018

Day 326

Friday

It’s Tori’s birthday today. She turns 28. Sugar Momma fell down in the hallway this morning and her blood pressure was super high. I wonder how Nickolai is doing. We’re currently watching an inspirational video on Will Smith talking about fault and responsibility. All three of my kids should be coming this weekend. Will Smith says that the difference between joy and depression is a sense of purpose to serve humanity.

I have to do laundry today.

I didn’t do so hot with eating yesterday–I ate too much. It seems like the more tired I am, the more I eat.

“Seek wisdom, and faith will follow.”

Fucking great. Big is freaking out because we didn’t follow the schedule last night and that I didn’t go to the meeting. I fucking sick and super tired!!!! Now I need a damn shower. Now we can’t smoke. 

FUCK.

Big is saying that it is everyone’s fault that we didn’t follow the schedule, which is completely unreasonable. We can’t control what the staff does! They’re the ones in charge around here!!

11:30am

Tori is taking her blood pressure while holding her breath–85/51!

Holy Crap, that makes her almost dead!

They took Sugar Momma to the hospital–I hope she’s okay.

I guess I have to make up names for the new women…..how about June and Diamond? Neither of them are staying here very long. Of course. Diamond can’t do much because she had a knee replacement a month ago, and it’s still not healed. She’s on Percocet, which pisses Big off. He tried to get her to sign a release to get it changed to something that wasn’t a controlled drug, but she would not sign it. Big and Elaine are talking about the time she puked and then vacuumed it up.

Gross.

It was vegetable lasagna. 

I guess I’ll read my Bible until  lunchtime. John 1:5: “The light shines in the darkness, and the darkness has not overcome it.”

Now we’re talking with Mr. Big about the theory of human evolution. Hmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmm…………………………………………………………….

Huh.

Mr Big’s father is a science teacher and his mother is a Christian, and they’re still married. Interesting.

Now we’re listening to Sandra read her essay on the proper way to communicate with others.

Now we’re in a group about thinking errors, which are:

  1. All or nothing statements and thinking.
  2. Catastrophizing.
  3. Manipulating.
  4. People pleasing. 

Oh, now Jolene is hijacking the group with her problems.

10pm

Random drug tests again. Not that it’s actually random–Tori and I get “chosen” every time. And, every time, I test positive for marijuana, and they they send it out and it’s negative.

Omg, June is weighing herself–122lbs. She’s obsessed with not eating–she says she only eats once per day, and she wants to weigh 106lbs. This is what women do to themselves when they have no control over their actual lives. They control their bodies, and usually destroy them in the process. It’s like suicide on the installment plan.

Take away a woman’s spirit, her bodily autonomy, her “what I was supposed to do with my life, but…” and she will hurt herself until she dies. 

Sometimes she eats too much. 

Sometimes she eats too little. 

Sometimes she cuts herself. 

This is what she has control over. 

This makes the pain of not being in charge of your own self less painful.

Almost all women now do a form of this self-harm, this slow suicide. Because inside, she is already dead, or parts of her are. The parts that contained her hopes and her dreams. 

And most of the time, this was taken away by the people that were supposed to love her the very most, like her parents, or her partner.

Craziness.

Wrong.

Bad.

And then the MEN, who think we have gone CRAZY, put us in jails and prisons and psych wards and Women’s Center’s, right?

And then they tell us that we have “Thinking Errors,” right?

Because they make the rules and not us, right?

I was sentenced to do time in this “Women’s Center” by a man.

This Women’s Center is run by a man.

So is most every jail or prison for women.

Made by men and for men.
And we’re told to behave. 

Just shut up and sit down and look pretty and smile, right?

We are sentenced to go to these places because of our behavior, when we act up, like standing up for our rights and stuff. 

Still.

Again.

Again still.

Women, from the beginning of time, have fought and died, and have been imprisoned in homes and in jails and in psych wards, and all of the rest, when men try to break our spirit.

Over.

And over.

And over again.

Well, I say it stops.

Right here, right now.

I just wish other women would listen to me.

But most of them have had men, and even other women, talking in their ears for their entire lives about how to behave and about what “works” and what “doesn’t work.”

Well, it’s time that women had a turn at the wheel.

‘Cuz men done fucked it the whole way up.

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Life Uncategorized

Chester Bennington, the Spice Girls, and Hot Valentine’s Day Prison Shower Sex

MUNCY STATE PRISON

December 4th, 2024

YouTube video–Chester Bennington, In His Own Words

Singer of Linkin Park who committed suicide

“I am such a failure at everything.”

“We’re counting our blessings every night.”

“I focus on very specific problems.”

–Committed suicide shortly after Podcast

“I secluded myself from people.”

“I didn’t know who I was.”

“I needed to reevaluate how I wanted to live my life.”

“Music was the one thing I consistently enjoyed about life.”

“I tend to have a hard time with life on life’s terms.”

“I’m uncomfortable in all scenarios.”

“[My head] is a bad neighborhood for me.”

“At the beginning, I was like, ‘fuck the world,’…now I have more peace.”

Struggling to be his own individual person. His authentic self.

“I hate the world.”

“Fuck the world.”

“Fuck 2015.”

“Perspective is everything. It’s the difference between going through an ordeal and going through an adventure.”

“I wasn’t taking care of myself and I felt bad all of the time.”

Song: Heavy

“He didn’t break his leg, he broke his spirit.”

“Most of my suffering is from what happens inside my head.”

“Life is tough, I’m kind of broken. I don’t have all the answers.”

“Every year of my life has been a rough year.”

“Why is everything so heavy? So much more than I can carry.”

Songs:

Heavy

One More Light

Battle Symphony

Opinion on “It’s a Disease!”

Everyone knows addiction is a disease. This article is outdated. This article doesn’t address addiction treatment at all or even the root causes of addiction. It only talks about the brain damage that addiction causes. Nobody cares about that when they’re getting high. They’re trying to numb the trauma symptoms/nightmares/panic attacks/mental illness symptoms, etc., that made them want to use in the first place. Nobody cares about their cortex or limbic system or axons or dendrites when they’re sticking needles into their arms or drinking themselves into oblivion to numb the pain.

Opinion on Chester Bennington Documentary

It is clear in the film by what Bennington says that he struggles with depression, but he doesn’t say anything about addiction. He mentions trauma in his childhood, but doesn’t say what it is. He says things like, “I was a mess. I was surviving,” “I’m uncomfortable in all scenarios,” “Fuck the world,” and “Every year of my life has been a rough year.” He also talks about struggling to be his authentic self and an individual person. The mental health problems are clear, but I fail to see what this documentary/montage of interviews has to do with addiction treatment. 

Drugs are never mentioned, and he died by suicide.

February 13th, 2025

Thursday

11am

I wrote Zuko:

Thank you for writing me and for telling me how you feel. You mean the world to me, and I’m glad we’re on the same page. I don’t want to fuck up our friendship either, but I don’t think that’s what’s happening. Stop catastrophizing. That shit’s just not going to happen with me. If it ended today, I would still cherish our friendship. I love you. I think you’re fantastic. I was cleaning in the bathroom today, and Chucky said out of nowhere, “I’m on your side. I’ve never seen Zuko HAPPY before.” 

This isn’t how I ever started a relationship either (obviously), but I like where it’s going.

On the way to Commissary, Tyson passed our group and said hi to everyone individually except me. 

Ugh. 

Daisy mentioned it later and then said, “Well, would YOU talk to you at this point?” I was like, “I didn’t do anything to that bitch!”

Whatever. 

It upsets me that Daisy is being such an asshole about this. But there’s nothing I can do about that. I miss you and I hope to see you soon. The Spice Girls are on the radio. I’ll spare you the lyrics lol.

February 14th, 2025

Friday

Valentine’s Day

I wrote Zuko:

Happy Valentine’s Day. I love your gift, that was very thoughtful and beautiful. You’re a talented artist. You’re talented at a lot of things, it turns out. I loved this morning, I only wish we had more time. I don’t want to be nervous and rushed with you. I want to kiss you all over. I want to please you, too, but I don’t know what you like. I want to find out. You’re so fucking sexy, I can’t stand it. I keep running it over and over in my head. 

Sexy, sexy. 

I want more time with you. All the time. I didn’t want more coffee because I’m still shaky. Thank you for offering. I feel fantastic, by the way, so thank you. I love you. Hopefully we can spend more time together later. 

For Valentine’s Day, Zuko drew me a Calla lilly and wrote on the back, “Like a symbol of rebirth and renewal, Calla lilies remind us to embrace change and new beginnings…”

4:34pm

Motorcycle visited. It did not go well. He spent the entire visit talking about his ex-wife and how “she didn’t know who she was playing with” when she divorced him. I got the distinct feeling that he was gaslighting and also threatening me. He told me he would dump all my shit in the lawn when I offered to have my parents pick it up, and when he left, he said, “I’ll leave now so you can go back to your girlfriend.”

Jesus Christ.

February 15th, 2025

Saturday

12:55pm

I didn’t go to lunch because it was fish, so I was in the bathroom giving Zuko a back massage because she’s sore today, and Martha was in there taking a shower. When Martha and I got back to the cell, she said, “Jess, let me know when you’re not going to lunch so I can put my shower at a different time. I don’t want an audience.”

Like–we’re not fucking looking at YOU, Miss!! Is this what it’s like to be discriminated against for being gay?? Literally 50 people share that bathroom! And this coming from the woman who shows her big fake tits to people on command for fun!! 

What in the actual fuck?!!

Anyway, Stryder messaged me and told me that he drove by Motorcycle’s house and my shit wasn’t in the yard. That’s good anyway. Zuko and I had sex in the shower yesterday morning. I didn’t really do much to her, which I feel badly about, but she touched me. It was heavenly. It turns me on that she gets so turned on by me. She has a gorgeous body, and some really beautiful tattoos. Her friend was a lookout for us, and saw me get into her shower. She told Zuko that I have a hot body. I appreciated that. Zuko didn’t say anything about it really, afterward, or about me. 

Common Room time.

Zuko wrote me: 

“I can taste you on my lips and smell you in my clothes.”

“The Universe must have divined this. Ladies first, Baby, I insist.”

Hey Beautiful, 

I’m quite sore today, as expected. And I don’t mean tiny clusters of car crash, I mean haven’t used those muscles in years sore from sex 🙂

Worth it.

Apparently I was standing weird and was also holding you up more than I thought. *flex* 🙂Yesterday was great, except for that middle part with that limpdick psycho.

Congratulations on making it past the potted plant level, I knew you had it in you 😛 You feel amazing. I can’t wait til we have a nice big bed and plenty of time to ourselves. Standing in a metal box is not ideal. Still sexy tho, cuz you were there with me 🙂It felt so fucking good to have your beatiful body against mine. A little piece of Heaven in this hell. 🙂You’re sexy AF and I can’t get enough of you. I need more. I love when you kiss me on my neck and ear and face. Everywhere. I love your lips on mine. You feel so fucking good…I’m not getting much writing done cuz I’m busy thinking about you. Now you interrupted me in person, which I enjoyed 🙂. Thank you for the massage, Babe, I really appreciate it. 

I love feeling your hands on me. I love any physical contact with you. I’m very affectionate, and I’d be all over you all of the time if I could. I’d love to be able to hold your hand, or come up behind you and wrap my arms around your waist and kiss your cheek and neck. Gotta get your ramen (hair) outta my way quick first tho. 😛

I love when you kiss and touch me.

I don’t like feeling rushed and nervous with you either. I’d much rather take our time kissing and exploring each other. I don’t want you to ever feel pressured to do anything you’re not comfortable with when we’re together, okay?

Take your time, I’m patient. 

And I love you 🙂A lot. ♥️ Doing anything here is tricky cuz we have to be quiet, which sucks. I’d love to hear you. This is sexy too tho, cuz I really have to focus on your body…your breath, your movements, the look on your face. 🙂

Okay, I gotta get ready. This stupid dickhead is here all night, so rules 🙁

I love you 🙂

You’re beautiful and sexy and I just adore you. ♥️

I wrote Zuko back: 

Zuko, 

“I’m thinkin’ bout

How people fall in love in mysterious ways…

I’m thinkin’ out loud…

Baby, we found love right where we are…

You have a gorgeous body, and some really beautiful tattoos. I loved yesterday with you. It was fun and sexy. However, I would prefer a big bed too, and lots of time. I’m sorry you’re so sore. 

That sucks.

I couldn’t stop thinking about you while Motorcycle was droning on and on about his ex-wife. 

I love your body up against mine. I’m glad you like it when I kiss your neck and ear and face because I’m going to keep doing it as long as you’ll let me. 

I love kissing you.

I want to kiss you everywhere.

You feel so good.

I wish I didn’t have to be quiet too. Then I could focus more on you and less on making no noise. It was hard to do. You felt amazing. 

I feel like I’m saying the same things over and over again, probably because I’ve been running it through my head over and over again….mmmmmmmmmm so good.

And nice lol.

I wish we could be affectionate with each other when we wanted to.

Fucking prison.

*sigh*

Oh well.

If this is the only way I can have you, then I’ll take it.

I love you, and I can’t wait to see you again.

Love, 

Justine

Categories
Life Uncategorized

Grief and God Stuff

WOMEN’S CENTER

May 22nd, 2018

Day 323

12:30am

“Perspective is a giver. Comparison takes. Perspective is generous. Comparison pares down the loveliness of your life until it appears a thin shred of its former glory. Perspective carries us through life laughing. Comparison evokes cursing and frowns and grumbling.”

“Being paralyzed with fear and sadness, being rendered useless because of bitterness, only marks a victory for the enemy of my soul.”

8am

Mr. Big is already annoying people and it’s only 8am. He just told Sugar Momma, who is a bit overweight, that she could only have one serving of food per meal. 

That went over well.

Judgy much, Mr. Big?

Off to grocery shopping. Back to my book:

“If I believe Jesus is Bread of Life, the Beginning and the End, if I believe Jesus adorned himself in humanity, lived a humble life, and was scorned, tortured, and crucified to make atonement for me, will I not love him with all I’ve got?”

“Bloom Where You’re Planted.”

“Shall I not honor God and enjoy all of his gifts even if some are only given for a short while?”

11am

“The Bible defines faith as the ‘confidence that what we hope for will actually happen; it gives us assurance about things we cannot see’ (Heb. 11.2).”

“Faith is the love not we give to God.”

“I have come to the conclusion that it does not glorify God to wallow in despondency like a pig in mud.”

“How does one go through the motions of life when death has swept through your world? It was like trying to speak, but emitting barely a squeak; trying to walk, but wading through quicksand; trying to breathe, but choking on life.”

“Should we accept only good things from the hand of God and never anything bad?” (Job 2:10)

“It was time to walk in everything God had destined for us, and to do it with guts.”

“And because Satan the accuser is defeated by the blood of the Lamb and the work of our testimonies (Rev. 122:11), I will offer mine.”

What she says about the night that her daughter died:

“In our bedroom in the deep of the night we held her reed-thin body, never wanting to let go. We pulled out all the horrid tubes and wrapped her in her favorite soft blanket. We covered her little bald head and wept and kissed her face over and over. Then, as we fell to our knees and worshipped God–who had given her to us and to whom she had gone–we felt the presence of angels and knew we were not alone.

I never want to do that again.”

That is profound.

I know the feeling, though–about the angels. When Ethan died, I remember leaving my apartment and walking around the block, thanking God that Ethan was not suffering any more, and there was an unseasonable warmth to the early April day, and I was so compelled to leave the House of Death that I hadn’t even bothered to put on shoes. Somehow, I knew that my family wouldn’t understand my gratitude to God, and that the oppressive weight of grief would consume me when I went back to the house, and so I stayed gone as long as I felt that I could.

2pm

Now I’m watching a video Big suggested aby a named Nicholas Vujicic who has no arms or legs. He tried to commit suicide at age 10 because he was bullied in school.

“When you don’t get a miracle, you can still BE a miracle.”

This guy talks about when God sees him when he gets to Heaven and asks him who he brings with him, how many souls.

Pretty inspiring.

Now we have to go to Parenting class. We’re talking about temperament today–how people respond to an experience. We are born with a temperament, but it is also affected by environment.

7:30pm

Oh, I had a GREAT evening! I got to plant tomatoes and peppers while 2dinner was being prepared, and I taught Tori about intestinal parasites because she wants to learn how to be a Vet Tech (which made me feel awesome–I love teaching!), and then Kat let us pick lilacs from across the street to put in our rooms! 

It was fantastic.

Now, instead of a meeting we get to watch more of Nick Vujicic speaking. I thought it would be awful to stay here all day, but it wasn’t!

Huh.

Oh oh–Jo won’t get out of bed. I tried and tried and tried to talk to her, but it was Grammy who finally got her to come out. 

Now Nick Vujicic speaking to a prison:

“God loves you, and yes, He has a plan…

There is hope beyond what you see…GOD DOES MIRACLES…everything I’m telling you is true…[we] are citizens of Heaven passing through…we are meant to be eternal creatures…your soul needs restoring, peace, and rest…to believe in something that you can’t see is crazy…it’s called faith…the truth will set you free…beautiful things can come from your broken pieces, when you give your broken pieces a chance…I have joy, I have truth, and I am free…I know what you need–truth, hope…you have an enemy…his name is Satan…he made you do what you did…we take responsibility for our actions…do not let Satan win…repentance is you don’t want to live in sin anymore…hate is a sin…the greatest way not to live in temptation is to not live in sin anymore…the God of Abraham, Isaac, and Jacob…nothing ever separates you from the love of God…I want to be free and complete…thank you for making me believe that this place called Heaven is real…sin brings death…but God sent His Son Jesus who has no sin…start in the book of John…read that book three times over…tell your brothers with conviction, “NEVER GIVE UP ON GOD!”

“Life is worth living when you have purpose.”

Oh my. I yelled at Sandra finally. I have HAD it with her attitude and control issues!

10:30pm

Okay, so I apologized to Sandra for yelling at her, but I meant what I said–which was basically, “You have to follow the rules! Staff are staff and residents are residents!! YOU DON’T MAKE THE RULES!!” She just yelled delusional bullshit back to me about how her husband was going to call Candy Flotsam (the local DA) and get her out of here by tomorrow. She just got on my last nerve today when she said that she didn’t need to go to parenting classes because, “I KNOW how to take care of my kids!!”

Well.

That was the last straw for me. DON’T insinuate that I am a bad mother, because I take that shit seriously, and it took every last piece of my emotional strength not to scream, “Bitch I PROMISE you that I am a better mother than you!!!!”

She is currently in her room tearing up her write-up for trying to run meditation group by herself and on her own schedule, while yelling that she wants her money from the safe and that she’s leaving. 

MmmHM.

I’d like to see that, Missus Mouth. If you were gonna go, you woulda already been gone, and that’s a fact.

Back to my book, “And Still She Laughs.”

Roman’s 8:35, 38-39

Paul– “Can anything ever separate us from Christ’s love? Does it mean he no longer loves us if we have trouble or calamity, or are persecuted, or hungry, or destitute, or in danger, or threatened with death? … I am convinced that nothing can ever separate us from God’s love. Neither death nor life, neither angels nor demons, neither our fears for today nor our worries about tomorrow–not even the powers of hell can separate us from God’s love. No power in the sky above or in the Earth below–indeed, nothing in all creation will ever be able to separate us from the love of God that is revealed in Christ Jesus our Lord.”

Categories
Life Uncategorized

Love, Recovery, and Some Bullshit

MUNCY STATE PRISON

February 11th, 2025

Tuesday

11:04am

So, I basically told Zuko that I loved her, and she replied, “I really like you.” Ugh. 

So now that’s out there. Now I feel like she just wants to fuck me, just like every other guy I’ve ever been with.

Fuck.

Now I kind of don’t want to hang out with her. I’m low-key disgusted with myself for putting myself out there to that degree–with someone who just wants to be my “makeout buddy.” Then again, yesterday she fucking said that we’ve been “together” for a week. Like–what are you talking about, miss?? I’m so fucking confused. Like–I’m basically cheating on Motorcycle with her, and I thought that this meant something, but it turns out she’s just playing with me.

Is it unfair that I expected more from a woman??

Fuck.

February 12th, 2025

Wednesday

Zuko wrote me: 

My Sprout, 

“I tell you all the time: Heaven is a place on Earth with you. Tell me all the things you wanna do. I heard that you like the bad girls. Honey, is that true? 🙂 It’s better than I ever knew. They say that the world was built for two. Only worth living if somebody is loving you…and Baby now you do.” –Video Games by Lana Del Ray

I’m sorry I’m off today. I’m kinda sleepy cuz I was up late and didn’t take my meds and I’ve got some stuff on my mind too. I’m just in my head, sorry. Thank you for being patient with me, and thanks for hugs. There’s no place I’d rather be than in our arms. You’re calm and comforting, and you make me feel safe. *exhale* Thank you. 🙂

Hi. 🙂I’m back. It’s Tuesday now lol. There was that whole anal sex/naked Momma Bear/guys cum situation last night when I was trying to swap my twat cotton (quote me! 🙂), so I was not in the right head space to write you and we had our meeting and chill time anyway. My favorite time is 9:27pm. 🙂Holy fuck, you’re so sexy. Mmmmm. I love the way you kiss me…Okay, I need to stop daydreaming about you and write you. That’s part of the reason it takes me so long. Lol. Sorry. Thanks for being my Superbowl date, I had a nice time with you. 🙂I wish we could’ve “Lady and the Tramp’ed” the popcorn, but there’s rules against that kinda shit. 😛 Maybe we can try it with my victory honey bun from prop bets. Lol. 🙂Honestly, I’ll take any excuse to be close to you and touch and kiss you. I want more of you in my life. You make everything better…even dumb fuckin prison. You’re very important to me. I gotta make dinner before I get hungry. 🙂I’ll be back. 

Okay, I’m back. 🙂I ran into you briefly. 🙂You’re my favorite dessert. Mmmm. More please. 

Anyway! (NOT daydreaming about you again…maybe a lil. 🙂) I enjoyed our Skyscraper date today. I love joking around with you. 🙂That movie was so stupid, lol. I also enjoyed our “rehearsal dinner.” I just decided we’re vampires since we’re immortal and suck on each other’s neck, lol. Yup. So you’re my immortal vampire wife now. It happened. 🙂You’re welcome. 😛

Thanks for sharing your 1/22 journal with me. Our first kiss was 1/24/25 🙂I’m glad you were brave and said yes. I am glad we were both brave about all this. I really like how our friendship has evolved. I love spending time with you, no matter what we’re doing. Thanks for taking a chance on me. 🙂I gotta get ready for meds. I’m gonna give this to you so it doesn’t end up being Wednesday lol. I miss you. *frumps about all your bf’s taking up your time with me.* 😛I hope we get a good night kiss. Sweet dreams.

9pm

Today I stayed in bed most of the day. I just wasn’t feelin’ it. Then Zuko said something about me sleeping with Motorcycle when I get out of here and I nearly lost my shit. Like–DO YOU CARE ABOUT ME OR NOT??

I asked her why on Earth it would bother her if I slept with other people, considering that we’re only “makeout buddies.” She said, “Owch” and asked what she was doing wrong. I told her that she could tell me she cared about me, and that I’m not used to being the one who is in the position of feeling like I care more about a person than they care about me, but now I am, and it basically sucks. She said, “So you’re saying you’re in love with me.” I said, “Yes.” Then she said, “I was going to tell you I loved you last night, but I didn’t want things to be weird. I do love you.”

Then we talked about it and it’s better now, but damn. I feel like that conversation nearly killed me. I’m very relieved that it’s over. This vulnerability shit is no joke. It’s hard. I said we both need to be braver. She said okay. 

Phew. 

*Exhale*

Zuko wrote me:

My Sprout, 

Thank you for telling me how you were feeling. I’m really sorry I didn’t do a better job showing you how important you are to me. Yes, I do enjoy kissing and touching you, and I’d like to do more with you, but you’re WAY more to me than that. You aren’t and never will be just a fuck buddy to me. I’m sorry for not being brave or honest with you sooner. I love you. A lot. I didn’t wanna fuck up our friendship. Sorry. This isn’t how I ever started a relationship before, so I’m kinda fuckin’ shit up. Plus shit’s confusing because of your outside relationships. I’ll do better with communicating and being brave. Our time together means the world to me and I miss you when we’re apart. You make me happy. You make life better. I’m grateful for every moment I get to be with you. I am in love with you Justine, and I’m gonna do everything possible to show you that every day, so you never wonder what I’m feeling ever again. I love you. 

Love, 

Me (insert cute pet name TBD)

Wow. 

Okay. 

I feel better.

This is something I found from a class I had to take in prison, where we had to watch a movie and then write our reaction to it:

10/11/24

Reaction to movie:

It’s hard to watch her shoot up without wanting to shoot up myself. When she lays down and closes her eyes afterward, I can imagine exactly how that feels: exquisite relief. Relief from the constant pain. For a few minutes, bliss for no reason. 

It’s hard for me to understand why we have to watch this–the shooting up and then the endless funeral montage. Anyone who knows anything knows that death is no deterrent. If it was, no one would use. We all know we might die. She keeps repeating that the drug is stronger than love. 

She might be right.

Next: 

Quotes from Recovery Boys

11/8/24

“I didn’t know people lived life sober.”
“I’m just lost. I don’t know what to do.”

“Happy tears. That’s a new one.”

“I thought love didn’t exist.”

About life– “It wasn’t fun. It was a fuckin’ chore.”

“I don’t know a sober person back home.”

“It’s been a long road man…[cries]…I didn’t know what a friend was.”

Next:

My reaction to Muncy TED Talks

11/25/24

Monday

“Your mistakes don’t have to define you,” and all of that is fine and good on its face, but none of those women have actually been to prison. Being an ex-con DOES define you forever, and that’s just reality. In the job market, whether you can go to college or do certain progressions, in custody cases, even in getting housing in the future. We, in REALITY, have many less opportunities now than we did before. Do you think I’M going to be appointed by the governor and living my best life if I “make good choices” in the future?

That’s just bullshit. 

What nobody’s addressing is that mass incarceration is real, and that the system is rigged for recidivism. What nobody is saying is that what brings most women to prison is addiction, trauma, and mental illness, and THOSE AREN’T CHOICES.

Categories
Life Uncategorized

Inspiration, Beauty, and Gratitude

WOMEN’S CENTER

May 21st, 2018

Day 322

7:45am

I have one cigarette left. Ugh. I usually have therapy all day today, but I have no health insurance now, so Big cancelled my appointments this week. It’s going to be a loooooooooooooooooooooooong week. Yesterday Tiger wrote me a card in cursive that said, “Tiger loves Mommy,” so King wrote me a card that says, “Herm” on it. When I told him what it said, he said to Tiger excitedly, “Tiger! I spelled the word “Herm!” Annoyed, Tiger said, “King, Herm is not a word. It’s not in the dictionary.” 

It was cute.

8:30am

Living Clean Book:

“When we act in love and humility, we are amazed at what we can accomplish.”

“Laughter and joy can be as spiritual as prayer and service.”

Inspirational Group–speaker

  1. Put God first. 
  2. Fail big–take chances professionally
  3. Set goals
  4. It’s not how much you have, but what you do with what you have.
  5. Help others.
  6. Pray–gratitude–say thank you in advance for what’s already yours.
  7. Don’t just aspire to make a living. Aspire to make a difference.

11am

Inspirational Quotes:

“In the darkest hour the soul is replenished and given strength to continue and endure.”

“You never know what happiness a simple act of kindness will bring about.”

“The darkest part of night is just before the break of dawn.”

“Expectations are just premeditated resentments.”

Well, that last one wasn’t very inspirational. Tori just shrieked, “Jess! Come here!!” So I ran over to see what was so exciting, and she was standing in the supply closet holding…pee pads. She was super excited about them too, like she had just found a leprechaun. She tried to get me to take one to wear, but I sullenly declined. I try not to be reminded that I pee my pants sometimes.

Ugh.

12pm 

Chore time, then lunch time. I’m super hungry today for some reason. Tori seems almost normal today. I wonder how Sugar Momma’s doing–she went to some appointment today and I haven’t seen her. She was complaining of hallucinations so bad yesterday that I was telling her some grounding techniques that I do when I feel a flashback coming on. Finally, she tried putting some mint essential oils on so that the strong smell would keep her in reality. 

6pm

Now we’re watching a DVD on sexual health. Fun fun. Jo got her door taken off for slamming it again. This video does point out that most mothers don’t talk to their daughters about how to choose a partner. Sugar Momma says screw birth control, just don’t have sex!

WHAT??!!

MmHm. 

That’ll work. 

You have about a 100% chance of getting pregnant using that method, lady, sorry to say. Oh no. Now we’re talking about STD’s–how often can you say the words “burning sensation,”  and “discharge”?? 

Gross. 

Now Sandra is reading and she can’t pronounce the word “vaginal.” She keeps saying it “va-jy-nal.”

Ugh.

Now we’re on HIV–fever, rashes, flu-like symptoms, blurred vision are all symptoms. Jo can’t stop giggling, and Sugar Momma has left the room. Poor Grammy–I can’t imagine that any of this pertains to her. Sugar Momma is back and has back spasms now. Mr. Big told her that she can’t go to the Memorial Day picnic if she has any more hallucinations. He seems to think she’s making them up, same as Tori. This is torturous, not only because of the subject matter, but also since Sandra can’t pronounce half of the words.

12am

Can’t sleep. We had to drive all of the way to Wellsboro for a meeting (so Tori wouldn’t see Harley), and then it was a crappy meeting to boot–people droning on and on about themselves, and then another guy spouting angry nonsense about how he had a family emergency, and that’s why he didn’t show up to chair last week’s meeting and other nonsense that was inappropriate to discuss at a meeting, and should have been brought up at their group conscious meeting after the regular meeting. Needless to say, I did not glean any experience, strength, or hope from that meeting, but I did find out something very interesting about Sugar Momma–she has had only four sexual partners!! My goodness, the woman is practically a virgin, and she let Ike exploit her?! It just surprised me, that someone who obviously thinks that sex should be special and personal and withheld until the right person comes along would have anything to do with someone like Ike at all (which says a lot about my previous choices). I only had anything to do with him because he was a free source of drugs, but she actually LOVED him! I’m sort of shell-shocked. I meeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeaaaaaaaaaaaaan…..it seems that anyone in their right mind would be able to see right through him….of course, who is to say that people in love are in their right mind?

Onto reading my book, “And Still She Laughs,” which is written by a mother who not only lost a daughter to cancer, but had several miscarriages, one, WHILE she was writing the book. It’s mostly about gratitude and living in God’s image. We’ll see what it says tonight:

Things we should derive joy from:

–The scent of sunshine on a sprawling tomato vine, the way clean sheets feel against freshly showered skin…the icy cold flesh of a dewy sweet watermelon, the sound of breaking suction when a toddler pulls her thumb out of her mouth in order to hug you…”

“We have way more than we realize. Our lives are abundant, overflowing with beauty we often overlook. Don’t miss it.”

–Kate Merrick

“And suddenly, at the fork in the road, where you can either turn toward pity or party, well, break out the streamers because there are people to be loved and thanks to be given.”